Paula's Blog

Just wanted to write down some statements:

2010-11-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

I've keep thinking back to the things I believe in or come to believe in, rely in and just simply have come to be a part of who I am and an integral part of my decision making processes of every day:

1) I believe in God, my Heavenly Father, in His son Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost and because of this, I trust Heavenly Father knows what's best for me and despite my bullheadedness try to leave things in his hands; because of this I try to guide my life by looking forward to the time when Christ shall come to earth again, when we'll all see Him and know Him... just thinking about it gives me goosebumps and makes me realign my life in a way I feel would make me deserving to be there; and because of this I seek the company of the Holy Ghost, try to not do things which would offend it, that I may have its company in times of need, that I may have comfort when I'm weak or sad and that I may ask directly through my prayers and receive answers directly through its influence.

That said here's what makes me a crazy psycho in many people's eyes:
2) I believe in everything good that brings health, spiritual and physical: i believe in reuniting all lost pieces of truth scattered across the deep pool of philosophies of men, cultures and traditions- for the benefit of God's children. I believe Christ manifested himself to every land, tongue and people and so did His prophets with the true message of the Gospel. Through time and apostasy and the adversary's plans, those truths got muddied over or in some instances lost. But every now and then I see or hear or read about something that resonates with my spirit as a truth. So in my mind I polish it, discarding the added things from men's minds and try to keep that little bit of precious truth and apply it in my life. One example of this is the teachings about Chi according to the Chinese Kung Fu tradition, things like QiGong, TaiChi and Yoga and any other form of Chi gathering exercise I believe to be founded in ancient truths whose true sources have been lost, yet here we have some of its remains with some part of its truths untouched.

These last one I don't know in which order to write so I'll just write them as I jotted them down in my scratch paper:
3) I believe in not killing animals or insects or plants unless necessary and when it's necessary it must be done with the due respect for the life taken and with a prayer in one's heart.

4) I believe the power of the Priesthood and the name of our Creator still holds power over all creation and can be used, if used in righteousness and for a good justifiable reason.

5) I believe in speaking to animals and insects, because their spirit and ours understand each other since the beginning of this world, we've just lost the gift to do so to our lusts and greedy post-modern ways.

6) I believe in the gift of womanhood being also part of being mother to all... where charity expands past our fellowmen and includes all living creatures, anything alive, including trees and plants, making it part of our role as nourishers to bring thanksgiving back to the preparation of food, not only to the eating stage of the process.

This is what I came up with and I'm sure I can probably add more numbers or add to the individual items I posted here, but I figured this are things which have come to be very important to me and would like to pass them down to my children, that they may respect everyone and everything around them, have a heart full of thanksgiving to our Father in Heaven for the abundance with which we are blessed and to grow in strength of health and spirit in God's hand, to be able to do His will and have a long life to do so. It is my humble wish as a mother-to-be and I pray to my Heavenly Father for guidance, because at this juncture of my life I feel so small, unlearned and inadequate for the task... which will hopefully make me rely in Him even more.

Love to y'all in cyberspace!

Scripture reading of today...

2010-10-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

The funny thing is that when I read, I ponder the meaning and my mind trails off to something else and it seems unrelated, but somehow I receive answers to whatever I was wondering about this way.
Today it was Alma 46. I read a little recap from chapter 45 and started and got hung-up on verse 4, 6 and 7.
So I thoughts about how no matter how much we cling to and aspire to "peace", not as a concept but as a way of living, there will always be arguments and dissenters, since Satan is always on our midst trying to lead us astray. So anger and haters are also part of the plan and they also have their purpose (and their reward).
So, my mind trailed off, as it usually does, to thinking about the people who not necessarily mock me, but rather, feel very uncomfortable with my food choices and have decided that I'm wrong, making me know every time they have a chance. I always ponder about this, because it puzzles me. It gives me such a weird feeling to think that I should respect people's choices and not receive the same kind of respect back. We've been wondering if our choices are wrong, because hubby and I sometimes feel it's so rude to turn down "community bridges" such as people's heart-made food and have been pondering on a solution for quite a while.
We eat vegan (and when we can, we strive to eat raw vegan) because when all seemed to fail with our health and we turned for help to the medical system, Heavenly Father stopped us and said "be patient and wait". Wait for what, though? We didn't know. We just didn't do the many "procedures" we thought we should have. People asked and kept pressing on the issues and meanwhile we were just "waiting". And somehow, the answer appeared and we started down this path of healthy eating. We always prayed, thinking we were doing something wrong, and Heavenly Father seemed to always approve of it and smile down on us as we progressed and fixed with a lot of effort all our health issues, the way mother earth intended as they say :D
But the resistance to hearing about it, from the people around us, was astounding. I expected some reluctance to understand, but not plain straight conflict. Why would something that makes me healthier, happier and is approved through revelation by my Heavenly Father cause such an uproar? It wasn't as if I was preaching for people to do the same, but the fact that I was different seemed to rub people the wrong way.
Then I read this quote from Elder Bednar, of the 12:
"You are not a pawn on a chessboard. You are a son ordaughter of God, with moral agency, which is the power and capacity to actand not be acted upon."

So I thought, "that's what it is... people have learned to do what they've been taught relying more on what's been done for ages, or what their parents taught, than what might be good to do now and when something different comes up it feels to them as a slap in the face, because not only it reflect the cracks in their thought system but it also pushes them to think "i may be wrong" and that thought is unreconcilable".

So here's my thought for the day:

"We rely so heavily in the traditions of our fathers, knowing them to be right, that we've forgotten how to rely on Thee, Our Almighty Father in Heaven. Will we let traditions trump revelation?"

Love y'all!!!!

Midterm for Japanese Class

2010-10-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

So, baby woke me at 5:30.... man I so tired of that. And once I'm up, I'm up. But the upside was that I woke up with this overwhelming feeling of love towards my little one, as if I could just mentally hug him. I don't know how to explain it. It put me in a good mood, except that I was dead tired for my midterm, lol.

Midterm went ok. I missed 3 questions, which were too simple and it ticked me off. I'm too grade-greedy, lol. But I did ok, so that's all that matters (especially when I didn't really study 'cause I was exhausted yesterday to do any real studying).

Yesterday I did some QiGong, and apparently I'm feeling it today because I have muscle burn everywhere. So to stretch I did it again today. It really relaxes me and puts me in a good mood.

Yesterday we also had our OBGYN appointment and we got to hear baby's heart for the second time. It was so beautiful. Little stinker was "hiding" in a corner, but his heart is so strong and loud I'm so happy.

So, I think I'll go take a nap, 'cause I can't barely stay awake. It was hard enough to focus on the test, lol. I just want to SLEEP!!!

So, good night everyone in cyberspace! I'll go take me a cat nap...
:D

New Blog, New Post

2010-10-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

Life is good!
I decided, if I have to time to update this, to do so. I'm trying to keep a journal for "private" thoughts I'd only like family members to read, but sometimes there's thoughts that are to big (or long) for facebook status updates LOL.
So I need somewhere I can update fast, even if I write very little, just to throw it out there to the cyberspace in the hopes someone might benefit form it. I know all my previous posts have been pity parties and what not and since life has changed so drastically I decided to change my blogging as well. Enough of pity parties and enough ranting (that's what facebook's for, lol).

Updates:
Had a miscarriage in April. I found out I was pregnant, told everyone and lost it 3 days later. It was I think one of the darkest times in my life... but I found out its purpose months later as I searched for the purpose of my trial and pain. I wasn't too fond of people who seemed to parade in my life with their babies, and it got to a point where I figured my faith failed and I was beyond any repair. Other things seemed to pile on top of it making it worse and I never really figured it was the kind of like that saying "the darkest time of day is right before sunrise"... or rather, may be I didn't want to believe it. We named our baby Rebekah, since she made it obvious to us who she was, that she was indeed a she and that she had a spirit and a purpose. Her purpose was me, us with Andrew... to bring us hope, to slap us into knowing that God hears our prayers and that He made it possible in His time for us to conceive and that He can do it again if it's part of His wisdom and plan.

In July I found out I was pregnant again. This time baby made me know he was here to stay, which was quite interesting, because my hubby felt it and so did my sister, a hemisphere away. Little by little, this piece of sunshine warmed our lives, our hearts and returned to me what I lost and gave me anew all that I was missing. My biggest thought throughout is "this baby's life is in Heavenly Father' hands"... I know it seems obvious, but we didn't expect our previous loss, so this gives me a sense of reality, a sense of trusting Heavenly Father, no matter what, and it gives me peace. I also felt that this baby has his own purpose, he's not coming for me, though his existence alone brought my faith back to life. And so, he also made us know who he is and chose his own name :D I am now almost 16 weeks pregnant and everything is good.

Another update would be the fact that we moved into apartments, parted ways with our roommate/soul brother and integrated a foreign exchange student into our family. She's a blessing in our lives, has helped immensely during my worse times of the pregnancy and has been both hubby and mine pillar for us to keep the house up and do things for her, 'cause she does so much for us.

Mmmm, can't think of anything else and I wanted to keep this short. I'll keep sharing whatever comes to mind, or whatever happens to us, here, especially if I have cool thoughts or scriptures or anything that helps me on a day to day basis, that might somehow help others :)

Love and peace y'all!!! :D

Wow... I'm having a hectic day + i think i may be getting sick

2010-03-04T13:37:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling rather lonely because i haven't been sleeping enough... and what started as allergies seems to be turning into something more, my head's hazy and i think i got a temperature.... mmmm, what should I do? I got Activity Days tonight, I got a schedule to make for the temple on saturday and i got to study for midterms. I have no time to get sick right now. And I feel lonely.... my kitchen's a mess, i'm cleaning though i feel like laying down, my hubby seems to think i don't do enough and i just receive a call from someone in the ward needing my help but i had to refuse because of the activity i got going tonight... and it was such a rare opportunity as well... she reacted badly also, so i feel guilty for turning her down but i can't split myself anymore. I don't want to drop anything, but I don't think I can keep going at this pace. It doesn't feel healthy. I get no time to get fresh air or even sunlight... and I'm craving it because of the spring-y weather we've been getting. What do I do? Why do people seem to think i do nothing? Why do they keep dumping stuff onto me? Don't know... may be 'cause I have no kids. And I'm whining now, but since my life has been busier I have less time to complain and more time to actually do things, which makes it for less idle time, thus, less time for self-pity and the such. But right now, amid all the busyness I feel lonely and overwhelmed. I don't want to get sick, i can't rest and I have to keep going going going.
I need a friend, one my age, one that loves the gospel and the temple and one that has no kids and is married.... i know, i'm stupid, but seriously, all the friends I make seem to put walls around them because of one or all of this differences they have with me. Mmmmm.... right now it feels like i've been giving, giving, giving and getting nothing in return. Why is this country, city, neighborhood, while ethnically varied, so dang easy to offend???? What in the world is wrong with people? Why is there so many walls around them??? So dang guarded????
I'm having a better time making friends that are in primary or the youth programs.... lol, they're less guarded and they still haven't grown those huge walls around them (or chips on their shoulders or whatever you call them)... and it's easier to talk about the gospel and decisions and life in general... so we're the weird ones in our ward that hang out with the youth and actually enjoy it. Anyhow.... i'm done rambling. I'll get to my cleaning and finish up the last details for tonight. One thing at a time, right? Just keep plowing through....

ok...i cheered myself up...

2009-05-22T02:16:00.001-07:00

It's 2:18am and I just updated 4 videos in this blog. That's all it took, searching and listening to the music I love. Hope you enjoy it!!!
Love and peace ya'll!!! :D

My birthday is upon me... what to do?

2009-05-22T00:39:00.000-07:00

A little plushy to brighten my day (and yours)!

I haven't written for quite somme time and it's late and I'm feeling the blues coming so I figured I'd dump all those blues in my blue blog.

My birthday is on monday and though I avoided the thought of it as I've done every year, I was reminded of it today. Is it normal to be sad for one's birthday? Well, most people I ask or happen to hear talking about the subject say it's because they're getting older. Ah! That all time fear of getting old. My sister is 21 and she's already having mid-mid-mid-life crisis because she feels old. A friend of mine is 22 and she's having the same crisis. Women of all ages suffer from this. I don't mean to be mean, but I've come to the realization (and I might be completely wrong, since I'm just basing this on what I've seen), that a woman's feelings towards herself and aging and body-image, etc, etc is based on her man (be it her father as she was growing up, her boyfriends/or lack of, and husband). I've met very few, FEW (i can count them in one hand and I have to think hard to come up with all of them), VERY FEW women that are confident in their self-image (whether they were pretty or not, overweight or not, etc. etc)... very few, and they always spoke highly of their husbands, about how close their relationships were, about how they shared intimate things (like shaving, for example). I know it sounds stupid, but I was taught to never let anyone know I shaved... then I met my neighbour (when I was about 10) who shaved in the yard with a bucket of water in front of her husband and kids :D She laughed about it, while I grew up thinking leg hair was unnatural and unsightly. Oh, well, back to my point. I met a middle aged woman when I was 15 who said she went through menopause without knowing it... she never suffered the emotional distress... and I just admired her because of such a great feat (my mom was going through her menopause at the time and I suffered it with her). Ok, so my point is, this women loved their husbands, their husbands made them feel pretty inside and out and they had less self-image issues because of it.
My husband has been kicking away walls and walls of self-image issues that I've built growing up... and I can say with all my heart that when I say "today I feel old" and laugh... I mean, "my body aches"... because I don't ever feel old. So, my birthday blues come every year, and have come every year since I was like 12. I feel I have no friends, and tend to get the same sort of depression I get for New Year's. It's a matter of making a balance of positives and negatives in my life and always coming up short. I guess it's one of those walls Andrew has been trying to knock down, but it's been holding up there. I'm turning 27. I look behind and where I used to have regrets, now I have experience gained. So I'm happy I've gone through so much and learned so much, and changed so much, yet stayed the same. But the one thing I always come up short with is friends. It's the thing that used to make me cry myself to sleep every night since I hit puberty... may be even before, because we moved one too many times and kids can be rather cruel sometimes. After that last move I was never myself again. And then I would make friends, but the temporal kind, the ones that don't last, the ones that would fight over who's pop idol's better and stay apart because of it. And that went that way through High School. In fact, I think the pattern kept going through college. May be because I felt I could never make lasting friends, thus, I didn't make lasting friends. But now, I'm married and all the friends I had before I married are gone... an email here and there from 1 or 2 of them and that's it. And then again, I tend to try and help them in their struggles without thinking of my own so I start feeling I am more of a friend to them than them to me. How conceited on my part! So without a chance given to them, I discard them and I isolate myself. It doesn't help that now I live in such a transient city... after 3 wards after getting married we finally found the one we can feel at home and after making several "friends" and befriending their kids and feeling like we're a big family they either stop going to church and stop talking to us as friends or move away. Last 3 girls I lost from Activity Days to moving, well, I think I cried more than I let anyone know. Once I become attached to someone and feel I can open up and be myself, I don't want them to go. But life's constant change and it is so hard for me to picture myself going through life without lasting friends. I don't want to not have a family AND not have friends. Especially once we go through the struggles and time of building a friendship, saying good bye and being forgotten.
So my birthday comes and the hubby asks "What do you want?" And I have no breath to form the words: I want friends... I want a family of friends. I want my own "dango daikazoku" (for anyone interested in watching "Clannad, the movie")... I want that song to be the soundtrack to my wish.
Yes, I want kids... but I also want a tighly knit community where to raise them. Where everyone's everyone's friend and everyone lends a hand and everyone celebrates each other's birthdays without reminders (at least without reminders from the bday person). For once, I'd like to feel someone else cares about me, other than the hubby, other than family... they're stuck with me, have no choice but to remember... but friends, they do it because they care. See? I'm so awful remembering birthdays, that I give people "just because" gifts, whenever I can. Or the gifts are always late, because I try to make them myself. Kinda embarrasing actually. "Happy Birthday, this is your bday present, sorry it's a month late" :(
Anyhow... at this point, my birthdays are just another day, not a milestone. And my crazy expectations come from growing up with a family that made birthdays milestones... once I lost all self-confidence at the age of 11-12, I lost all friends and had nobody to celebrate birthdays with other than family. Monday I'll celebrate alone with the hubby and I hope I can regain my cheerfulness by then, so he won't be worried about me... 'cause I know he'd do anything for me, but when it comes to things beyond his reach, he gets really frustrated and sad. And I don't want that. We'll probably stay home and watch anime all day. There's no material thing I want, nor places I'd like to visit that don't cost money (gas is still too expensive for me to go to Salt Lake or to California or to some national park anywhere)... I've been locked in Las Vegas city for this past 5 (almost 6) years and haven't seen anything and have no one to see it with, since the hubby works hard for the both of us and I'm not the type to go places alone (that'd depress me even further). I hear my husband's friends "we went to california last weekend to the beach", "oh, we're going to Utah for memorial day weekend"... lucky bastards!! They don't even know how lucky they are, able to see places, take pictures, meet family. Ha! I've also heard about "cruise family reunions" and "family reunion trips to grand canyon" or "pioneer history family trips". Wow!!! How do these people even do these things? I miss going out places because my family used to take us every weekend someplace to just sit down and watch a lake or river or mountain until sunset and head back home. Just that routine stopping kinda saddens me, now that we give all our time to others and no one remembers us or helps us. My backyard still a mess and we had to pay someone to clear the weeds in the front... is life really that lonely? It shouldn't be. I should consider myself lucky that I found my one true love who's everything I've ever wanted. May be I spent all my love tokens to get him so perfect for me... didn't have any left for anyone else, no kids, no friends, not even a stable ward where we could belong.
AAAH!!! I think I'm just rambling on and on and going on in circles. I'll get over it. I always do, I'm just worried it won't happen until Tuesday, one day too late. I need to get over it now. I need to get my act straight and stop looking at my list of facebook friends thinking "why did they even add me?". I'll get over it, I promise, especially after shrinking myself in this novel-long post. I'll get over it... there's no reason why I shouldn't.
I'm young, I'm happily married to the best man in the world, I'm finding a way to be healthy for the first time ever, I've been able to find myself and be at peace with who I am, I've been able to work at a temple which has been my life-long dream (even bigger than being a midwife), I have so much life ahead of me to achieve and acomplish and do awesome things and if not, if my life's shortened, then I have eternity to live and love and help and make the friends I never had. I look forward to that millenial day when we all meet under Jesus Christ's feet and we all adore Him the same and we all find each other and realize we're together in this and finally find the unity to become Zion. That's actually my hope and prayer and my heart longs for it...
I'll get better and hopefully post the happy update... :D So don't worry my fellow bloggers and have an good night! Oyasuminasai minna!!! :D

Sign this petition... it is so amazing it made me cry :D

2009-03-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

Sign the Health Revolution Petition now!

I always thought it was interesting how there were so many good causes split up everywhere, so many you had no chance of helping in all of them. But the root for a lot of them is nutrition, health. If you, my fellow bloggers have any time to read the whole petition, let me know what you think. I read it very skeptically, thinking it was yet one more petition to sign. Wow, was I mistaken. Everything I've been worrying about it's mentioned there so I signed it without a doubt. Hopefully more people can read it and realize what needs to be done. We need change! We need things to change! And we all need to be a part of it, because we're all suffering the same issues! That's all for today!! Love ya'll! :D

Thoughts

2009-02-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

My family on my mom's side... it's the most recent picture taken about 2 weeks ago. Oh, boy do I miss them, even in their detrimental negativity, I miss them so much. I chose this picture because my grandma is there after heart surgery and my mom is there also.

This is a quote someone sent to me:
“I can imagine the ridicule and scorn that Noah suffered during the months he was building a great ship out in the middle of a comparative desert to house himself and his family and the selected of earth's bounties in preparation for the flood that through his faith in God's prophetic revelation he knew was coming to destroy the earth. Don't you be as the foolish virgins with no oil in your lamps because of your unbelief in God's warning of things to come (see Matthew 25:1-12). Dare to listen to the leaders of the Church, the prophets of God, without a revelation to whom God said He would do nothing (see Amos 3:7), despite the jeers of the worldly and unrighteous who have no faith and who dare not, because of their own sinning, believe that these threatened judgments might be so. Through your faith in the inspired revelations, you will always be given time to build an ark of safety that will eventually land you on a Mount Ararat. (45-09, p. 80) (Harold B. Lee, The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, edited by Clyde J. Williams, p.518.)
The thing that strikes me the most is the part "ALWAYS BE GIVEN TIME". Don't you feel like sometimes we heed the council of prophets a little too late? I sure do, like I married the wrong time and place and things have the wrong timing. Sure we could have had savings, and vacation money, and a year storage if we didn't get married like a month before the financial crisis hit worldwide and we weren't sucked into a predatory lending scheme to get our house. So everything feels wrong timing, at least when my thoughts are in the wrong place, lol. This quote says it all. Through faith in the prophets advice, the revelations, we will be safe, because we'll have time to prepare anything necessary, an ark of safety. It's just a beautiful promise! Not to let me slack off, but rather, to bless my efforts in following the prophet's advice, even if my year supply wouldn't last a week right now. I've also had the feeling that sometimes we spend too much of our savings/storage money on others... which ends up reminding me of the scripture about the lilies of the field, that have no care and the Lord dresses them better than all the fine linens (or something like that). I just think that if we're involved in doing God's work, to the extent of our abilities, if we put effort in our callings and consecrate ourselves, we will be preserved during the hard times. We'll be tested, and we will have hard times, but we'll always have sufficient for our needs. The Lord knows what we need, and somehow, He'll provide. I love to think that way.

Anyhow, we patched things up with the hubby. I'm not mad at him anymore. We talked and cried and explain things clearer to each other until we both understand where each one was coming from (the points of view of the argument). Anyhow, he's great, I can't believe he puts up with me, when I'm so crazy and unstable.

I also promise I'd post on my first day working at the temple. Well, I'm really excited. I have a lot to learn, a lot to memorize and a lot to work on. But there was feeling that I couldn't entirely put my finger on, while I was there. As if I could be a child there without being judged and told not to. I was told to welcome people, wishing them a good night as they left and just be there to help if needed. How easy is that?!? I felt I could drop my walls, my defenses and be myself. I talked to people, without worrying about them passing judgement on me. And even when some did (as it's impossible to avoid for human nature), it didn't bother me, not the way it would have were it to happen at church on sunday or somewhere else. I felt happy to be there, excited and I could feel myself beaming with overwhelming joy. I also felt my thoughts to be clearer. When assigned to an area to greet people, you get a lot of time alone to think. It's been a while since I've had that sort of time to plain meditate and think about things. And funny, but I felt like a huge weight was gone and I could think clearer, without interference. I told my hubby I knew that influence that was gone was the adversary, couldn't be anything else. Let me give an example: I thought about how I felt, and how the next day I could wake up, make breakfast for the hubby and myself and then go running. Simple thought, right? Well, if I was home thinking that my thought would have gone slightly on the negative side as in "if I wake up and am not too tired, I'll make breakfast for the hubby and me, and if my knee is not bothering me, which it usually is, I'll go running... otherwise, I'll just stay home and wallow because I didn't do it". See the difference???? Well, it was like that for all my thoughts, all the things I could think of to myself, about my callings and my issues with people and even my thoughts about my hubby. Everything clear and crisp. It makes me want to go more. Going to sessions I don't usually have "time" to think relaxed like that. One goes in, changes, goes through the session, changes back and goes home... snap, snap, snap, done. No time. And in a public place like that, I wouldn't normally be able to think relaxed about anything, because of the effort I put in keeping my defenses up. But this time is was so different. It was wonderful. Last time I remember meditating like that was while riding the bus every day from school to home and back every day from High School to College (since I was 12 until I was 21). Funny how much I missed once I stopped doing it. And now having the chance to do it in such a sacred place it is just such a priviledge. I love it.

So, all in all, life is good. Hard times comes, but life is still good. I have a hubby that loves me, goals to achieve together, callings we works on every week, people we care about in our ward and in our families who we try to help and whose company we seek and life is good. I do feel lonely from time to time, like that one time I posted a horrible post. That same week, a family from the ward was trying to get me some candy I missed so much (because it's only in Chile) and another one called just to see if I needed anything, because I was sick and they were worried. I love them dearly, and it's unbelievable how ungratefully blind one is while under the adversary's influence. I just have to keep doing things that'll keep him and his bad influence away from me, like scriptures and prayer and callings and temple and caring for the people I love. That's my hope to be able to "endure"... 'cause we don't know when "the end" is :D

Have a wonderful day, everybody out there in bloggerworld!!!!
Love and peace everybody!!!

Updating blog!!

2009-02-04T12:32:00.000-08:00

Here's a pic of Natsume Yuujin chou, the new anime I've been watching. I love it! I nearly cry every episode. Anyhow, just wanted to have a picture in here.
The thing with the hubby got better. We discussed those issues and I guess I've had a lot of things bottled up inside, since last night I had a crazy crying spell. Having a flue and then the aftermath (you know, sore throat, cough, etc.) doesn't help with the mood either. It's very hard to cheer up. It's harder because being sick makes me feel lonely. My mom's fault I guess. She'd always scold me for getting sick and then spoil me rotten with herbal teas and home made brewd soups to help me get better. Being at home, sick, while the hubby works, makes me feel too lonely and then when everybody finds out I've got a flu, they avoid visiting, so it's like I've been marked with the plague.
So last night we started a typical argument and then all these crazy stuff I didn't even know I had inside, started coming out and it had nothing to do with the argument. I did cry for like 3 hours and the hubby could do nothing but console me. I feels awefully lonely when I don't have family here. When the hubby's family feels more like "acquaintances" rather than family members and when no matter how much I put myself out there, people just don't want to have me as a friend.
I feel very blessed with people in my ward who accept me for who I am, but it gets old (specially when my limits are pushed by an illness) to be a friend without friends. Does it make sense? I try to be cheerfull, and share and help and lend a hand. I try to be at peace feeling I'm doing my part by visiting people and offering my help whenever I can and actually doing things for others. I try to be the friend I'd like to have (isn't that a quote or a rule or something?). But all I get is unanswered emails, unanswered phone calls, and just plain loneliness. Sometimes I think I've been crying about this since I was 11. I've never belonged anywhere, nor made lasting friends. My friends back in Argentina all but forgot about me. And the ones who haven't there's zero to nil of a chance for me to see them. There's barely any emails going back and forth. Here, though I make sure I have my existence acknowledged (sometimes by extreme measures, lol), people barely feel incline to approach me or talk to me or want to do things with me. Why is it? I guess my lack of american trivia knowledge doesn't make me a good small talk-er, but since offending my hubby's family with my very presence, I measure my comments and try to analyze everything I'm about to say so people don't get offended with me being completely unaware of it. Then I'm told to relax and be myself... how can I be myself if everytime I speak, someone get offended because I didn't realize it was part of american culture not to mention x or y thing? Makes for some awful awkward moments, let me tell you.
I'm being accepted in the ward, which means I have more work to do. And my vision of "Zion" gets so blurry. I thought we were supposed to build Zion, be one. I'd like to have couch potato friends (like me) who'd like to go running with me to exercise, a group of people to talk to about food habits and health, a group to make presents for others with or to cook and help someone else's house, a community where we'd all serve together, be accepted and yet be served as we need of someone's service. I thought that's what it's about, yet nobody wants to do anything with anybody. People get stuck up or just plain stuck in their own lives. I offer to help others and end up being taken advantage off. My house needs fixing, the showers head are broken on both bathrooms, the water heater's leaking, the papers keep piling that need to be filed, the garage is in shambles, the oleander is still standing in the backyard and there laying all over the place there's the branches from my hubby's attempt to take it down, the yard has about 2 1/2 years of dog poop and there's no way I can start my garden with the yard this way, I need chicken wire to separate the area for the dogs from the rest of the garden, so I can clean all that doodoo and my bedroom looks like a storage area for all the junk we got out of the room where my grandmother in-law stayed last year, everywhere I turned there's clothing or shoes from my niece, from the time she stayed with us 2 years ago and I look around I can't seem to wrap my head around where to start... can I even do it? I'm expected to design a menu and a grocery list for the camp foods for YW (for next week) and I've canceled activity days twice already because I've been sick. My assistant rejoices every time I call her to let her know I'm canceling (since she won't do the activity). I'm frustrated, sad and I feel helpless. Nobody has called me in 3 weeks unless they needed something from me. And my mom has been living with different aunts to visit my grandma in Chile, so I haven't talked to her since the New Year. I feel so rotten... all this stuff came out last night and the hubby stayed up listening to me rant and vent about everything. It was a self-pity party, I seem to be writting it down to preserve it, for some silly reason.
I don't know what to do. I'm overwhelmed. I was so happy we finally had a ward choir (it's been inactive for about a year)... and I was so musically starved. Well, I went to one practice, the director picked on me the whole time and she's the type who "shoot for the moon and hits a rock" rather than "shoot for the starts and hit the moon"... I am devastated that even choir was taken from me. It was the only thing to give me joy back when I was single. Now I'm married and can't have that. And why do I struggle so much? How come these things that are supposedly normal bother me so much? People are lonely all over the place... can they handle it better because they have kids? or because they live close to their families? or childhood friends? I don't know how people survive it. I'm not doing a good job at surviving it at all. Why is there so much expected of me and nothing from anyone else? I feel like I'm pulling my handcart alone... I understand my hubby is my family, but it's so hard not to feel lonely when he's at work. And when I'm sick and when everything seems to combine to eat me. Ha! I reminded myself of a scripture, kinda like a slap on the face... the one on D&C 122:7-8.
I guess the pity party really makes the adversary rejoice. I need to dust myself off and stand up again. I need to forget my silly problems (which are way less than others around me) and I need to lend a hand no matter what. I guess it's what I'm here for, though friendless, I will try my hardest to not let this feelings rule me or stop me from doing what I can. And I will work hard to be able to be there that day, when the Savior comes, to be among the congregation and be able to sing and rejoice. I live for that day, however unworthy I am. Childless, friendless, and as messed up as I am... I want to be there more than anything. I need to rely of my Savior more and stop thinking I'm pulling the cart alone when He's wanting to pull it with me and I won't let Him (I ignore Him as if He wasn't there at all). What a faithless person I am! I need to let Him pull, He'll pull for me if my strength fails... but I need to acknowledge He's there.

He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears,
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives all blessings to impart. (Hymns 136
I know that my Redeemer lives)

It probably is 'cause I'm sick...

2009-01-29T16:39:00.000-08:00

... but at the same time I'm feeling a little down.
I'm annoyed that my hubby had me read a book that didn't awaken in him the littlest desire to go meet my family nor did it open his eyes to what I wish from him (or what I have foolishly wished from him since I married him).
The book's name was Enchantment, the author, Orson Scott Card. "LDS author... you'll love it" he told me. Well, I was about done with LDS authors all together. Only female I've ever read was Stephanie Meyer and though her books were compelling and the stories very engaging (I mean, who doesn't like vampire love stories?), the level it was written in wasn't all that high. Then I made a mistake to listen to some of the not-so-wise lds wives in my ward, who loaned me a book called "Cheyenne in New York". She told me it was a romance, and she made sure I knew it was "lds romance". Well, I read it and nearly threw up at the thought of such an abomination of a book being considered anything but paper to light a fireplace with. But I gave the author the benefit of being male and making an attempt at writting something for a female audience (I don't know many guys that read romance, least of all lds dudes).
So there I was, all upset that I have read so many bad books written by lds authors. And there came my hubby to save me with an author he's been trying all our marriage to make me read. Orson Scott Card. He actually made sure I'd like the book, so he "read" it first (actually, listened to the audiobook... which to me is cheating). Anyhow... he had his doubts with certain situations. Specially the sex scene. Just as we all did with the vampire story and there still exists some debate on whether it was "classy" enough to be PG-13 or whether some more dirty-minded people would allow it to have the dreaded R rating. But who would rate books anyway????
Ok, so I read the book. Hubby beaming with pride and happy I was reading one of his favorite authors of all time. Today I finished the book. Worth it? Not sure, undecided. But it was a brilliantly written book. The plot was layed out so perfectly I wouldn't add or take anything from it. But to give it such high praise I must lay objectively beside me my lds standards. It was clear from the beginning this books wasn't written on one of his more "lds" times. Of course, the cuss words were very light and even the "sex scene" was written so well, that much was left unsaid (and I'm glad it did) and we all knew what happened. The problem is the way the more darker aspects of the story were referred to. The dilemma of paganism vs. christianism, vs. judaism. The references to female and male genitalia. The references, often lewd, to intercourse, etc, etc. I understand why he wrote a lot of it. I'm not sure they enriched the story, making them less than necessary. So it bothered me. Over and over. I was so annoyed by it I confronted my hubby and said "How come you didn't realized this wasn't that good of a book to begin with?" Well, it wasn't a good argument to have, so I called it off and changed the subject. Then I kept reading and it explained about the leaps between one world to another, how he was ridiculed in hers and her in his. So I said to the hubby "oh, now I understand... you valued more my coming here". Wrong thing to say also. His look was blank as though I had spoken in spanish and he said to just keep reading. So the book got better. Ok. The story got better. Ok. There was a decisive fight. Of course. And then the wonderful end. It ended on a high note, so I was happy when it ended that way. I'm a Disney-fed girl after all... love them happy endings. So I called him... and said "what was so amazing about it?" And he started talking animatedly about the fight, the chivalry, x or y characters stories, x or y plot twist he was dying to talk to me about from the time he had read the book. Nothing, not even a hint at the value of each of the characters sacrifices given for each other's sakes. Well, not true, he did like the main characters relationship. "And?" I asked, hoping, crossing my fingers. "and their relationship is awesome!". What else can I expect from a guy, after all. And I hate to think of him that way. But when he acts like a guy, he even talks and sounds like one. Thick! So right now, I guess I'm in pouty mode... waiting for him to get home so we can discuss the silly book until he can ask the right question or until he can figure it out on his own. I feel so conceited talking like this. Heck, even writting it down. Not for posterity, but hopefully, for some fellow blogger's amusement.
Anyhow, peace I'm out!!! I'll write some more later, when I'm less annoyed.
Have a wonderful thursday y'all!!!!!

I posted this picture...

2009-01-24T22:49:00.000-08:00

... I wish I remembered the artist whose wonderful talent brought this to life. I can't stop looking at it thinking and pondering if my relationship with the Savior can be that way, that close, if I can be humble enough (leaving my petty pride) and become child-like, depending upon his grace and turning my life to Him.
I just can't seem to stop thinking about His Second Coming, and when we'll all meet as a congregation to sing hymns, this time with Him visibly present, and to feel finally home. Can't you imagine it? Can you feel it? It's just an amazing thing... to have something like this to wait for, something tangible, that only through faith we can almost see and touch... the moment all the decisions we made (the right ones I mean) won't be the stupid ones anymore, the moment all our sacrifices and giving and seeming "weak" to the world will finally prove its meaning and everything we knew through faith will be reaffirmed in factual knowledge.
Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been trying to keep my facebook account updated so my 2 valued followers know what I'm up to. It has been difficult to find a moment to sit down and write my thoughts (specially when they are not very clear or when I'm going nuts over the things I need to do... *sigh*).
Finally I was contacted by the temple and got my interview with a member of the Temple presidency to be ordained as a Ordinance Temple Worker. WOW!!!! When I went for the interview I didn't expect to be ordained on the spot. What an honor to be ordained to serve in that holy place by the same person who ordained my hubby as a missionary of the Lord!!!! :D Funny how things are, eh? Well, I've been feeling rather sick all week, but that day was all sunshine and sparkles for me... that was yesterday, January 23rd, 2009. I'm so happy I'll be serving there, specially when I'll get to use my talents and serve my spanish-speaking sisters and i'll play hymns in the organ.... SQUEE!!!! I never in my life would have imagined being able to play the organ inside a temple. I remember one of those trips in my youth to the temple of Santiago, Chile (we went once a year or once every 2-3 years depending on the finances)... and I remember meeting the temple workers who always wore smiles on their faces and thinking 'wow, if I lived in this city, I would definetely serve in here'. I had also met a young girl (at the time she was in her twenties) and she said they were coming in a bus from another city and they were going to perform temple ordinances all through the night to get all the names they had brought done. I was amazed thinking 'if i lived near the temple, i would definetely do that'.
Time progressed and once married and living in a city with a temple (might I mention how special the Las Vegas Temple is to me because it is where I married my hubby)... and we barely made it to a session once or twice every 6 months. Life was getting to us. Until we realized we needed it to help our marriage, our family life to improve, to hold us together. The gospel is what got us together, the gospel would have to be the thing to keep us together... if we ever lost that, then our marriage would probably not last long, because our love for each other would "wax cold" and we would eventually drift apart. Well, at least that's what we've been working on. So I've made it to the temple without the hubby some times, other times with people in my ward, kind sisters who would provide a ride for me (sometimes even pay for my lunch... thanks be given to them for their kindness!). We finally made it together to a session in 2008 before they closed it for the year... and it was wonderful. So now, finally receiving the blessing and privilege to serve there, well, it makes me want to jump with glee (yes, you read it right, "GLEE") ;)
I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve and I know full well it'll be difficult at times, but this will be my excuse to make it to the temple on a consistent basis. I also know that I'll be blessed in ways I don't even know. All I've asked is for strength to be able to carry on with all my duties in Zion and for the humility to be teachable and to be able to learn all the things I must to serve with full purpose.
I just wanted to write this little something about this memorable event in my life and share it with you, my fellow-bloggers. Have a wonderful night and week!!!! and until next time!!!! :D

Just reviewing a story I loved real quick!!!

2008-12-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

I loved this story!!! This one I had to read. It is not a story with lessons to be learned (like the ones at the top of my faves list), but it is definitely something worth mentioning. It is sweet and heart-warming. The drawings are amazing, extremely detailed and well done. The characters are cute, just like children should be, right?
I read all 10 volumes and now that I finally finished it, I am a bit sad, because I'm going to miss these kids. They are amazing, they are brave and kind and though society looks down on them (the fictitious society in the world they live), they still keep a good attitude and face life with a smile, totally care-free, facing the obstacles on their way head on. And they are all pretty much orphans, so they're stories are sad... but just to see them grow up little by little and mature and make important decisions with good judgement, well, it warms my heart.
Ok, enough about fiction.
I don't have much to say about real life these days. Things are pretty complicated, it is the end of the year, I'm still running around trying to get things ready for our caroling with the A.D. girls and getting people to help and then meetings for camp stuff and annual work dinner at my hubby's job and all sorts of things that just makes it impossible for me to sit down and write something coherent. I read books in between everything and then I force myself to review it and write something about it if it's a story I'll treasure forever. Such is the case for +Anima and this is why I made myself sit down and write something about it.
Allright, I guess we can call it checking in. Right now, checking out. Or "over and out".
Have a good day out there in blogger-world!!!!

I know I tend to write about nothing at all...

2008-12-01T10:24:00.000-08:00

... at least, nothing of importance, but, oh well, that's my ADD I think. We finished this 26 episode long anime with my husband and I must say it's one of the most amazing things I've watched since Fruits Basket. I almost think it's better, because I've learned many lessons from this. There's just so much to be said about it and I don't think I can do it justice. I am sucker, though, for non-comformist characters that want to change the world they live in, no matter how big a task or how absurd an idea it may seem. That's the whole story of Vash, the main character in Trigun. At first I thought it'd be some more mindless fighting anime, like many others out there, the ones that seek to satisfy guy's testosterone driven likes. But it turned out to be so much more. Also, I realized that the topics were more mature, dealing with issues that seemed to target a more adult audience, rather than youth. I don't know, it might just be me and the impression I got. I just know that I feel I've grown from knowing this story and I'll take it with me and treasure it as I do Fruits Basket's. Amazing how fictitious characters in fictitious stories can teach life-long lessons that you can treasure so much.... it amazes me. Hopefully someone out there can watch it and tell me what they think. I personally think I might try and read the manga for the story, just to find out the things that were cut out from the television series.
Ok, over and out. I think that's all I got to say for today.
Love and peace everyone!!! ;)

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!!!!

2008-11-27T21:20:00.000-08:00

I know the picture never goes with what I write, I just figure I'd share stuff I like a lot, while sharing my feelings through my writting. Anyhow... it is Thanksgiving and I am really grateful about this year and the changes that continue in my life... I'm grateful for my hubby, and for his unconditional love... it is more than I could have asked for... though I actually did ask for it, a lot, in prayer. I was horrible while I was single. I couldn't think straight, the nightmares my family had kindly implanted in my head were getting worse and worse as time went by... I'd end up alone, nobody would like me enough to marry me, I was ugly and fat and even if I got a poor idiot (more like a push-over) to marry me... then I'd never be loved or wanted, so my only hope were children. My husband would never really love me, but I'd have children I'd adore and teach and see grow and my life would have a purpose. Well... I was wrong about the first half... I did deserve to be loved (I should stick my tongue out to show my family ;)... and fairy tales do exist, with a bigger dose of reality than a dose of Disney, but they do. About the second half... well, I was replacing the supposed loss of the first one with the second one, so having so fully the first one... the second one isn't a need and my self is whole without it. Well, to be true to myself, not entirely whole, but whole enough to live a purposeful life. Every time I feel greedy about wanting children... well, I am reminded one way or another that not everybody finds their other half and lives a beautiful life full of love (the type of love people see in old people and say "awww"). All the women in my mom's family have married for x or y reason and somehow have managed to never married for love. My cousins, the only married ones, are the same way. I just found out about one of my cousins, who has been in the hospital after having a stroke, and found out her husband cheats on her. So many women in my family seem doomed to misery and a loveless life. Now I see where all of my mom's nightmarish words came from... even if I was pretty and thin and smart and everything a man wanted, the supposed "family curse" would run its course and I'd be stuck with someone that didn't love me. Funny thing I'd find my knight in shining armor in a stereotypical obese computer nerd. The kind of guy the Lord would put through much to prepare him to be my companion, the same way I was prepared to be his. So when this thoughts come to my mind, my craving for children calm down, and I feel more content with what I'm given... because I am so blessed to have the opportunity to love and loved so equally and so fully. He is my all... and it makes me so happy I'll be forever with him, so none of the trials in this silly earth, economy and health and even death, none of it will separate us. And this comforts me beyond belief... that he would actually want to spend eternity with me, someone who's been taught to think nobody would even want to spend mortality with her.
And family keeps hoping, weirdly enough, for me to return home with my "tail between my legs" and say "it didn't work", "he cheated", "I cheated", "he threw me out" or "i left him"... and they still expect to say "see... i told you". It is so laughable... even if any of those things happened, it is laughable how much "faith" they have in the negative possibilities of life, rather than the possitive ones. Funny! Sometimes my mom irks me beyond belief, but I do laugh. She's been hurt too much and doesn't think love exists at all... so my happiness challenges her beliefs and it actually hurts her to think she could have been happy if she made different decisions... so it is less painful to think her daughter is naive than to think she was wrong.
So, back to the subject: I am thankful for an amazing husband, who loves me, who supports me, puts up with me and my issues, gives me chocolate when I'm pms-ing and gives me flower everyday (from our front lawn), he rubs my feet and back when I'm sore and talks sweet to me when I'm angry (even when I yell at him), puts me in my place when I'm wrong and has taught me the best spiritual lessons I would have never been able to learn alone, specially those of forgiveness and non-judgemental acceptance of people, about loosening up and being more carefree, to show one true self to others and laugh and joke and forget whether or not people are judging you or not... about he has taught me to laugh without worries, more than anything, he makes me laugh, he's a clown and makes me see the world through his eyes, which makes it a better, more livable place. He rescued me from my past life and rescues me from myself every day... and this is why him being plus-size doesn't matter whatsoever. He uses his priesthood and tends to his callings, befriends people, pays tithing (something I always hoped my "future" husband, if there was to be one, wouldn't have issues with) and hold a temple recommend... and is my example because it seems so easy for him, like a gift, the way he can talk to people and befriend others, he can become friends with people so easily I just can't seem to grasp how he does it, but I am constantly amazed by this.
Anyhow... I've written enough, but I did want to have something written about my personal Thanksgiving (though it seems a post more fitting for valentine's day or my anniversary LOL).
Love to all out there!

Thought it nice to post this here :D

2008-11-21T08:18:00.000-08:00

So I'm reading the Twilight series...

2008-11-06T10:31:00.000-08:00

... and right now I'm on the second book, New Moon. I like it so far. Feelings are described so well, I feel the pain and happiness of the characters as if they were real. If nothing else, it really moves me. And makes me think, sparking my creativity. I still don't know where it will lead me but I know it'll take me somewhere. I know, don't tell me, I'm aware I'm making no sense at all. Just letting my thoughts out, as they flow out of my head, through my fingers, to the keyboard and into this monitor :D
Here's the song I added I wanted to share. I love this singer, he's from Argentina, where I was raised and I always found his voice so soothing. He's a great musician and this song, though stolen, sounds beautiful played by him. Also, the lyrics are very fitting to the story of Twilight, so I decided to share it here with its lyrics so it makes sense for everyone, not just for me. Hope you enjoy!

A Primera Vista (At first sight)
Pedro Aznar
Written by: Chico César

Cuando no tenía nada deseé
Cuando todo era ausencia esperé
Cuando tuve frío temblé
Cuando tuve coraje llamé

Cuando llegó carta la abrí
Cuando escuché a Prince (Salif Keita) bailé
Cuando el ojo brilló entendí
Cuando me crecieron alas volé

Cuando me llamó allá fui
Cuando me di cuenta estaba ahí
Cuando te encontré me perdí
En cuanto te vi me enamoré

When I had nothing, I wished
When everything was absence, I waited
When I was cold, I trembled
When I had courage, I called

When I received a letter, I opened it
When I listened to Prince (Salif Keita), I danced
When the eye sparkled, I understood
When I grew wings, I flew

When he/she called me, there I went
When I realized, I was there
When I found you, I lost myself
As soon as I saw you, I fell in love

It's been a while

2008-11-03T13:39:00.000-08:00

Hello there!!! It's really been a while since I last wrote here. Many things have happened, things I couldn't even start to describe. Nothing big but nothing small. Aren't I complicated? :D
I've been reading a lot. I moved from reading Ouran High School Host Club manga (didn't quite catch up, but read the 7 volumes my friend loaned me, while getting over a cold), to watching the full series (about 26 episodes long) and now I gave up resisting the hype and joined the multitude of people in reading "Twilight". I actually think I started yesterday and have eaten half the book already. I can see why it's so appealing, the story is appealing in itself, the main character very much like the rest of us (easy to identify with) and the vocabulary and flow is easy to just read through quite fast. Interesting story. I blushed reading the main character's descriptions of her own feelings, because I felt that way before and I also was an awkward teenager. I blush because I feel like someone has totally exposed that awfull side of me in a book, which isn't about me at all. All it explains, to my surprise, is that EVERYBODY goes through that, and more times than not, EVERYBODY has that stage and feel that same way at one point or another. I don't think I'm making any sense, and I haven't gotten past chapter 11, so I don't know how things will progress in the story, but so far I feel I've been figured out... something that makes me both angry and kinda happy. Weird! Anyhow, for those of you reading this book or who have already read it, you might understand what I mean.

On to a different subject. In these couple of weeks, I went with the hubby and the youth of our ward to the temple to perform baptisms. I was so happy I got a chance to do so. My first time as a leader. My first time seeing that baptismal fountain. I was so happy! I kept reminiscing of the time I went for the first time as a youth to the "mini" temple in Santiago, Chile. I was alone, a walk-in. I was visiting family and none of them were LDS, so alone, jumped on 2 buses and a subway, and then walked like 10 blocks to make it there. I still remember the sister's smile, the one that held the towel awaiting for me to get out. I remember how nervous I was beforehand. But her smile and the glow that seemed to live there, to irradiate from everyone there, it's etched into my mind. I loved the temple since I was 11 and got baptized to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. I participated in 1 primary program before going to young women. I still got the copy in spanish of one of the songs we prepared: "I love to see the temple". I sang it so many times alone at home, while going through my aweful adolescence, in the bus to school or walking down the street, even before finals in college. It wasn't surprising at all when I received my endowments there, at this mini temple that to me meant the whole world. Everything made sense, whether I understood it or not. I loved it. And that was the last time I was together with my parents on holy ground. I felt then, as we were together inside those holy walls, the prompting to take it all in, because they might not be there when I got married. What an amazing blessing that turned out to be!!! I enjoyed it and took it in and can remember almost everything about that trip, about the feeling and thoughts that rushed through my mind and about having my parents by my side, my sister still too young to go in with us, but awaiting anxiously outside. That was the last time I felt I had a family. As things turned out, I did marry far away, without them to behold the ocassion (nor being able to enter the temple, so distance was just one issue), and they divorced no long afterwards. My sister and I fell apart and now when we talk, we do this annoying "small talk", because anything other than that makes her angry about me meddling in her life and I guess she's forgotten we were friends once. See, I babbled on and on and started the self-pity party. I'm not depressed though, it does make me melancholic to think about it. But I treasure that much more those happy memories. From Fruits Basket: "I'd like to keep my memories, even the ones that hurt me, because one I day I'll have the strength for them not to hurt me anymore. But I don't want to lose any memories, I want to treasure them all, until that day".

Then after that we've had Activity Days (all girls, except for one, came + two friends of one of the girls, we were crowded but I was extremely happy). We also had Trunk or Treat for Halloween and we were handing out candy. It was full, the parking lot was full and I was happy to be able to talk to people, people talking to me and drooling about how cute those little toddlers looked in their costumes. It was fun all around and I was just taking it all in. Also some friends got married 2 weeks ago (they've been waiting to do so due to paperwork and family issues, and that way the wife can be baptized). We're invited to the baptism this saturday. I'm having Activity Days again this week (to free up Thanksgiving week) and I'm sure I'm forgetting something else we'll be doing, but I'm sure I'll remember it eventually.

All in all, I'm happy. Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Our ward boundaries were changed and we got a bunch of new people added to our ward. It is really exciting, and nerve-wrecking, to think of new people, new possibilities. Anyhow... I've been visiting the girls, dropping invitations and enjoying my personal victories. I'm content with life right now (which probably means something big is coming our way, bad or good, but something big)... I'm enojying our ward, the people, I'm trying to speak up more and open up. I'm trying to burn the stupid walls that lock me in and to care less and less about what people think, rather care about what I think about myself, what Heavenly Father thinks about me and what, of course, my dear hubby thinks of me. Turns out, 10 out of 10 times, it doesn't matter how much of a lunatic I act, the people that matter still care for me and love me just the same, and I tend to love myself more when I'm childish (in a good way) and giddy and joking and not caring what people may think (meaning not walking on eggshells when talking to people). I still tend to be overly cautious with people, expecting them to take my words the wrong way or make something totally different out my conversation and feel offended. At this point, I throw my hands in the air and leave it up to Heavenly Father, who knows people's hearts. I pray to not offend people, but I also pray to understand people and what they mean without feeling offended either (because I misinterpret and judge just as quickly as I am misinterpreted and judged). So far so good, and my life has changed dramatically, it seems to have more color and have more to offer than what I thought during that grim phase I was going through not long ago. I also took up running. 3 times a week, increasing intervals or time. Helps clear my mind, exposes me to the beauty of just being outdoors in this weather (the birds, the cars, the far away sound of the freeway, spiderwebs on the sidewalk and greeting stragers as I pass them by). I want to keep this up, and I know I can only do so if I keep reading scriptures daily (though sometimes, like today, I forget and just jump straight to what other chores I have) and praying sincerely, having a talk with Heavenly Father. This is rather difficult. I tend to just make it a one way monologue. So I'm training myself to make it more of a two way street, as if I was really talking with Him (because I am, right?... no doubt intended). It is something that should be so simple, and the lack of prayer indicates doubt and fear and unbelief, yet there I am, rushing through daily routine forgetting to talk to my Heavenly Father about the things I need for the day and the things I'm grateful for. But I'm trying, as weak and as lazy and forgetful a child I am, I'll continue trying.... until all of it, breakfast, scriptures, prayer and running become a habit I can't deviate from. I like the sound of that, so that'll be my goal, starting now.... (I had already started but now it's written, can't erase written things, can I?)... and it'll carry on as my new year's resolution. :D These make me happy, so why wouldn't I do these things?
Anyhow... have a great day out there in bloggerworld and live it up.
Blessings!!!!

So... the YW President picked me up this morning...

2008-10-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

... and we went to the temple. I found out she was fasting. We both had the YW in our minds when we went in, though we hadn't said anything to each other about it until afterwards.
I did realize something though... the Lord does work in mysterious ways and He knows better than we do. If the whole purpose of my calling is for me to get over myself being so judgemental or just to befriend someone in a stressful calling like the YW President... then I guess it is working. I realized she's stressed and she has a lot on her plate, I need to always remember that she might need me more than the girls need me... because I don't know if that's the reason why the Lord put me in this position. We talked for so long afterwards... she trusted me with her issues and insecurities and I trusted her with mine, we really opened up to each other and talked about the things in our calling that are weighting down on us. It was really beautiful, that, if I think about it, I feel very grateful for such an opportunity. Heavenly Father knows my heart and hers and He knows how to succor us in our time of need. I truly know that now. She was feeling down, the teenage drama that's unfolding in our ward right now is weighting her down and after we talked, she looked better, may be even relieved. I was happy as well, because she lent (lended, don't even know which one is it) an ear to hear my issues as well and she was a sweetheart about them. I am happy Heavenly Father gave me a chance to see her through "His" eyes, so now I can better be an intermediary with the girls and represent her better. I'm also grateful that He knows where my heart is and knows that I needed that talk and chance and gave it to me.
My thought after conference, about praying, was a little incomplete. When I went through the session at the temple I realized what was missing. Out here, outside the temple, where we deal with life and do our callings, Satan reigns. He whispers in our ears things that are far from the truth: "she's snobby", "she was looking down on you", "what do you think she meant when she said 'x' or 'y'?" .... he paints a picture for us to distance us from each other. He helps us judge each other based on appearances or words or simple to misinterpret hellos. And we, like little naive idiots, well, we listen. I realized that what the Lord wants out of those "leader prayers" is for us to cast Satan out of our midst, for us to be able to discuss the matters of His Kingdom without the nuisance of our pride, judgements or misinterpretations.
I kept thinking about why, Why did I ever think she was a snob? Why did I think she thought she was better than everyone else? Why don't I feel that way right now? Well... the answer is simple. We tarried in the presence of the Lord together as sisters, both concerned about our callings in His Kingdom. We went to His temple for answers and for peace of mind, for the company of His Spirit. We pushed Satan and the world aside if even for 2 hours and let the spirit flow uninterrumpted. So our talk right afterwards lacked all those skewed perceptions and twisted views of each other. We talk honestly and neither one of us felt threatened nor felt the need of being defensive. So now my answer is complete: WHEN I PRAY WITH HER, WE'LL MAKE SURE TO ASK FOR THE LORD'S SPIRIT & FOR SATAN TO BE PUSHED AWAY WHILE WE DISCUSS THE BUILDING OF ZION... like they said in conference last week. People get offended and things go wrong when we listen to Satan's perception of the world. Well, DUH?! It sounds simple, yet to me it's a big revelation just to get this right in my head and put it into practice.
Yes, Mikki, I know what you mean about praying in front of anyone. It took me long to start praying with my hubby... I used to do repetitive prayers with him, to make sure they were as similar to his as possible because I felt he'd laugh or get angry or something. It's been a long road, and it's not even done yet... I'm still fighting the urge to tell him "can you pray again tonight?", so I'm working on pushing myself to do it, and to be specific with the Lord about our needs and to focus on thanking for everything I feel particularly thankful that night. My alone prayers are in the morning, at night we do them together... How did you like Apostle Bednar saying that morning prayer is part of the spiritual creation of our day? WOW!!!! I'm still working on not getting lazy and forgetting to pray alone in the morning. Now I know why my days unfold the way they do. I'm also reminded of Apostle Hales' visit, when he said that the Lord knows our problems before we tell them to Him, what he wants to hear is us discussing with Him the solutions and asking Him what He thinks about them or if He has advice for us to solve them, and he mentioned Brother of Jared's story about the stones. If we only mention our problems the Lord up there thinks "Do you think I don't know this?", but if we come with solutions like "Here's these rocks, will you touch them and make them bright to be a light in our boats?", the Lord likes to see us put our trust in Him and having the faith that He'll actually do something we ask Him humbly to do. I'll never forget that teaching, so when I kneel down and pray, I think, "wow, my calling is hard and "x" sister is not doing what they need to, and "y" sister is looking down on "z" sister and I feel totally helpless in the middle... Lord, I want to do this, what do you think?, Do you think it's allright? Can you tell me of a better way to do it? May be if I do it like this, you think it'll work? Please bless me to be able to have the courage to do it"..... or at least I'm trying more and more to make it a conversation, with spaces for Him to fill, because the answers do come. I'll feel in my heart "no, that's not the right thing to do", "if you try this, it'll help".... and everything is part of the answer, like one, long lasting conversation: temple sessions, and conversations with people, and personal prayers and talks and conference... all of it somehow ties in with what I needed to hear to answer a question or to comfort me the way that I exactly needed. More and more I'm noticing this, and I feel so grateful, like today, these miracles happen in my life and I don't feel alone anymore, because He is carrying the load for me and the load gets lighter and lighter the more I ask Him for advice.
Ok, I've yapped for long enough, I just wanted my thoughts written before little devil starts talking nonsense in my ear and this feeling goes "poof". I wanted written proof to be able to reread when I don't feel so good or so optimistic. That's why when I was depressed I wrote here, because I wanted others to acknowledge my existence and throw me pity parties, now I write about the things I'm hopeful for and the things that uplift me, so when I am depressed, I can reread my testimony and how I dealt with certain issues in the past and push myself to carry on a little while longer. Or at least, that's what I'm aiming for.
Love to ya'll out there in bloggerworld! Specially Mikki, who supports me so much and gives me the strength to go on (even if you don't know it, girl) :D

Wow... I've been busy!

2008-10-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to account for, but I know I've been busy because I haven't updated this :D I finished reading the manga for Fruits Basket (funny how reading keeps you away from computers, as if they repeled each other, hehehe). I'm amazed by it, I've learned to much... and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'd probably go on and on and on about it... but I shouldn't. I've already burned my hubby's ears off and typed a couple of emails to the friends that know about it... I still seem to want to share the story with everyone. I guess I won't be happy until someone else reads it and tells me their thoughts on it.
We also had conference last week and I'm happy to say we got to see all sessions of it (and hubby went to the Priesthood session and took one of the young men with him, to make sure he made it, lol). I was proud of him, specially since I missed the Relief Society session the week before (though I can still watch it online, it's not the same :). I watched conference with some questions in my heart about my callings, hoping for answers and I got them.
In Activity Days I'm feeling quite lonely because my assistant is inactive and doesn't know much about the church or how primary works (she got baptized and went inactive when she was in young women). My answer to that was that she's getting an amazing experience just by showing up and sharing time with the primary girls, feeling welcomed and learning the basics with them (I feel the same way, though I've been in the church for so long, the church in Argentina tends to work a little different than here, so I'm learning as if I was new). Whether she gets active or not, whether she starts coming on sunday or not, she's getting that influence from the girls and that in itself is very powerful. The rest I need to leave it to the Lord.
My YW camp calling, well, I've been foreseeing some conflict with the YW President, because she's a "by the book" person, and tends to look down on some girls when they don't behave the way she expects a girl to behave. She might not even realize it, but it does affect the way the girls react to her. She also critizes some girls to their parents in front of them and I saw the looks on their faces and couldn't help but trying to relieve the tension (I mean, no wonder this kids are all "emo", or "wannabe emos"). So it's been weighing down on me to think on how to approach these issues. When conference came around, it became clear. It's wrong for me to want to oppose her because I think things should be different and it's wrong for her to want things done a certain way because she wants it that way. We need to pray together, with full intent, kneel down together and pray for the Lord's will to be revealed to us so we can do His will and not ours. I know it sounds simple, but this scares me as well... I went to the temple with her and she's a sweetheart, and my prayers at the temple had to do with "please help me know how I'm going to tackle such a huge task as this calling!"... now I think my focus needs to be in praying, alone and with her when we meet to talk and with the other leaders, kneel down if possible and make it known to each other that what we speak of won't be coming from our pride but just ideas we both have and we'll do our best together. I also got the answer that if the girls don't like her because of the way she is, I'll have to be an intermediary between them... if we're praying together, I'll get to see a side of her the girls haven't seen and I'll get to tell them "she wants things done this way because when we prayed she was inspired to do things like this, let's follow her" and then I'll get to bring the girls ideas to her, specially when she dismisses them when they come directly from the girls. The answer was clear, but I'm feeling so inadequate, I don't know if I can do all this, heck, I don't even know if I can get her to pray with me and then I don't know how I'm going to pray with her (if my shyness doesn't get the best of me). I guess it was my fault for asking, now I got an answer I must act upon it.
But it was said in conference "do you best and leave the rest to the Lord", so I have to trust that Heavenly Father's plans are far beyond anything I can comprehend and none of these issues are more than I can deal with, because that's been promised. And He's shown so much love to me... specially when 2 girls that were inactive from church started coming to Activity Days (and they'll be 12 next year and thus, will be invited to camp LOL) and one girl that had stopped coming to A.D. all together came for the first time in months yesterday. I'm so grateful, because I don't know what goes through the parents minds and I don't know the conversations they have, but when I visited them on my own, I thought "doesn't matter if they don't come, I get to invite them, and even meet them" (one girl I had never met because her mom doesn't want anything to do with the church). I don't know the workings behind the scenes... but then they came yesterday and I was SO HAPPY! I couldn't help myself but hugging everybody (I was in a "huggy" mood ;) and thank Heavenly Father for softening the hearts of those whose decisions made it possible for those girls to attend. And we were preparing a song for Primary Program and that'll make these girls come on Sunday... and I'm wondering if the parents will come as well to see them... I'm just excited that Heavenly Father has shown me that my efforts are not in vain and that He wants me to do this, not Bishop, not the Primary President, but Him. And I need to work on feeling the same way about my YW calling, facing my fears of conflict (I always run) and prayerfully do what I can.
So, all in all, I'm grateful and HAPPY!!! ok, and tired... it's been a long week and it's not even over.
From Fruits Basket: "The one on top is always the most lonely"... I keep picturing Bishopric and the President's of the different auxiliary organizations, specially the YW President who's looking more stressed every week. Just food for thought.
Love ya'll, have a great day out there in blogger-world!!!!

I have to update this!!!!

2008-09-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, the grandmother moved out!... I'm sad and relieved at the same time. She moved out a week ago but I've been so busy after it that I couldn't sit quietly on my computer. I actually deepened my study of the scriptures. I try to eat breakfast and read scriptures at the same time (so there's no TV, no nothing to distract me) and I decided I wouldn't do anything until that got done. I feel the difference. Life does seem better that way. I still slack off during weekends because of sleeping in and having the hubby there doesn't help much. He doesn't like reading scriptures together, so I guess, one day we'll get to do it. But he's still wonderful. He's been so tired lately... it worries me, for his health and for his crankiness levels LOL :D
Anyhow.... I just wanted to express how relieved I am that I'm not anyone's servant... that life is going slowly back to normal. She couldn't wait to move out and go back to doing her own thing and I truthfully couldn't wait either. When she finally decided, me and my hubby made it clear she could stay through the whole length of her recovery, but we weren't about to stop her if, in her stubborness, she wanted to move back to her place. So at three weeks after having a crazy surgery, she went back, couldn't stand it anymore. It's funny, I think she missed the chaos of her house. There was peace and quiet here, and loving helping hands. We prayed together and read scriptures together (or attempted to), made her every meal of the day... she just couldn't take it. In the end, my thought was "the Lord won't have give me trials harder than I can take"... so I was grateful.
My "Fruits Basket" manga got here, and I've been reading it non-stop. I'll probably share some insight from it in here, as it really warms my heart. It's funny, sometimes "adults" will look down on things like this... shojo japanese manga. Silly childish stuff, right? I've learned so much from this, I'm grateful my friend showed me the anime. It's such a complex story and I've learn to cope with myself and those around me from this "silly childish japanese comic book series". I'm happy I get to read the complete story (because the animated one was barely to volume 8 and the complete story is 23 volumes long). Right now I'm on volume 10 (well, half way through it). I tend to read them quite fast. I've cried, I've laughed... I feel silly and look over my shoulder to make sure nobody thinks I'm psycho (laughing and crying on my own :) Anyhow... this story has mainly taught me how everybody has to carry a "curse" and somehow, everybody has to deal with feelings of inadequacy and the longing for being accepted, everybody deals with emotional scars, the past tends to haunt every one of us... and though we feel pathetic and weak, there's always someone to show us, by simple and small means, that we are not alone, that we're not stupid or lowly or pathetic, we're not the way we thought, and just realizing how blessed we are to have that sort of people in our lives, makes us smile more and the scars heal... the past doesn't change, the hurt doesn't go away, the sad memories remain, but we become stronger, better, we grow with understanding and this pain and sadness help us identify with everybody else who, in their own way, have to deal with the same issues, and we might just be the person who will brighten their life. That was a mouthful!!!! I don't think I used any punctuation there, sorry!
I'll share more of the stuff I learn reading manga later.
Another thought that's been wandering my head all day: We had last night a scout "camp out" planning meeting at our house. 6 kids, 5 adults all in my house, eating hot dogs and playing risk and video games. 5 kids and 2 adults remained through the night and in the morning, pancakes and eggs and all the people that went home came back for the "planning". They were planning the activities for the coming year. While they were playing I got to interact with them and laugh with them and I was washing dishes while they were playing. But the feeling doing that shore (which is not one of my favorites and it usually puts me in a bad mood), the feeling was warm. I was happy to hear so many voices and laughter and church talk mingled with it. I just enjoyed it so much. When we vowed with my husband to open up our home to others for it to be a blessing for others because we don't have children, we didn't really expect it to be such a joy.... I guess we're blessed for doing so :D I did get a little moment where gloom kinda got to me, when a leader said "you'll know when you have kids". I know he didn't mean it to be a bad comment, or to hurt. If anything he probably intended as "I know you will have children eventually"... but every time someone says it like that, like they are in a higher sphere looking down on us, childless clueless "newly-weds" (though we've been married for 5 years)... it seems to push on an open wound, like each word has some weight until it sinks (don't know if I explain myself). What did I say about dealing with the pain of carrying "curses" I learned in the manga, hehe. I know we all have sore spots and issues that are hard to share with others, so, it was sufficient to hear the kids joking around and filling my house with laughter to let go of that gloomy feeling. I'm glad they were there or those words would have hurted a lot more than they did, and I'm happy to have shared my time, my house and my food with them, and enjoy seeing them enjoying themselves and having a good time. I feel blessed! :D
Ok, enough, enough... I always type so much. It is just so easy to convey my feelings and thought process in written words, it's easy for me to get carried away. Sorry about that!
Have a wonderful day out there in blogger-world!

Just wanted to show you my work, hope you like them :D

2008-09-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

Just sharing some things

2008-09-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

I know the quality of the picture is not the best but I couldn't find a better one. This is the statue "Christ the Redeemer" over Corcovado Mountain, in Brazil. Pretty interesting picture. The news said the storm caused havoc in Rio, and the fact that someone got to take this picture is pretty amazing. I just liked it a lot (I have a knack for storm pictures that amaze me).
I've watched another anime show called "La Corda dOro" (The golden chord, or so it was translated, because it should probably be "the golden string"). It is about a girl who's given a magical violin that can be played by anyone without having to know music (I wish). I found it amusing and watched its 26 episodes. I actually grew to love it. After a while, I couldn't help but appreciate the music pieces played by the different instruments. They'd always make sure they mentioned the names and composers of the music pieces and all that classical music got me in a "music appreciation" mode. So I've been sitting at the piano trying my best to master some Bach songs that I absolutely love, that I never got to play really well (I always gave up on the difficult parts). It kinda motivated me, because the show was actually targeting girls and its purpose, I'm sure, was to increase their music appreciation (it sure worked on me). Now I can't listen to a comercial or tv show without thinking of the people behind the scenes, the musicians and composers that sing or play an instrument or compose a beautiful short piece, that ends up on the tv as background and nobody even realizes of their efforts, their years of studying and practicing. All the sudden I got an increased appreciation for them, and I'm very tempted to get me some CDs with classical music and listen to it and feast :D

I also just found out how awesome Facebook is. I didn't care much for those websites where people "connect", because I hardly have any friends here in the US. Funny that talking to my sister one day (who's in Argentina) she told me about it, so I have my sister and 3 cousins on facebook. I also started finding people I went to Institute with, there in Mendoza, Argentina. I was so excited. I found some friends and some acquaintances... and I don't feel like my world is so disconnected anymore. I wish some of my closer friends were there, but they're not, and that doesn't really take away from my joy of finding people I knew on it. I have three of my best friends from here (2 from my ward and 1 that's away at BYU) and the original friend who invited me to Facebook who I couldn't contact any other way and her sister in law (who organized my bridal shower about 4 years ago). So I'm happy as I see my list of friends growing (whether we keep in touch or not), just to see them in my list makes me happy and it makes me appreciate modern technology a little bit more. I am also happy that I've come to make peace with who I am... a nerdy, dorky, southamerican, who likes anime, loves the Church, reads scriptures and attends the temple and watches cartoons and reads children's books without having children. The fact that I have friends that are older and wiser that help me grow and younger ones that feel like my siblings, who come to play board games and video games at my house, with me and my hubby, and enjoy talking about their plans for the future and help me feel like I belong somewhere. I'm finally feeling like I belong. And I'm so grateful for it. In my prayer this morning I realized that my spiritual wounds are still there (it's not like my sister stopped sleeping around, and my dad got active again, and my mom is finally not depressed and a whole world away from me), but they hurt less and less as I put my yoke over Christ's and my load becomes lighter. I still hurt, but life has become sweeter, even though there's still trials and tribulations, and the people around me give me a reason to smile, or allow me to cry with them, and that just makes my world a lot better than it was. I'm content and happy with what I've been given, I truthfully am... and though I may cry sour tears from time to time, I know I've been given so much, I just want to give some back and give of myself, of my talents and time to help others feel this happiness I feel right now, right this second, as I type these words.

Anyhow, I've yapped enough for today. I just wanted to share some thoughts. Love ya'll out there in blogger-world!

Today I'm a little sad...

2008-09-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry to all of you for using this just to talk about the bad... I've been trying my hardest to change my attitude towards my life, working on feeling better about myself... working on my relationship with Heavenly Father, because I read in my book that this relationship affects directly the way we tend to feel about ourselves.
Yesterday I went bike-riding with bishop's wife, who's training to participate in a triathlon (I'll say it again, since I said it once in an email to her daughter: she's my hero right now). She was overweight and she beat the odds and now she's a complete athlete. Well, I've always wanted to do that sort of thing, but I never knew someone willing to show me the ins and outs of it (without charging a lot of money). We rode the bikes for 45 min. and I was dead. Then, today, I went to the temple with the Young Women president and we discussed camp and my new calling in the cafeteria... and the temple helped ease my anxiety about this calling. I was feeling so good, keeping busy, still helping grandma, but giving myself some time (time just for me), to get to know other people, open up more and do things that make me feel happy. Bishop's wife called again and we went running (well, my olympic sport would panting for air while walking in between sprints of running, if there was such a thing ;)... she showed me a website that takes you from couch potato to runner for 5k and I'm really excited about it. So while she ran for 40 min. I did what the plan said to do 5min brisk walk to warm up, 60sec jogging, 90 sec walking and repeat for 20 min. I think I did pretty good, at least it felt good (though my body was screaming for mercy :)
So tonight, well, Bishop's wife invited to go with her to her "boot camp" early in the morning. I decided to go, while someone's so excited for me to go with her, I won't miss the opportunity even if I make a fool of myself in front of fitter people. My hubby got worried about me doing too much too soon... thing is that my working out feels like it's not enough, at least my body is not really responding to it... so this comes at the right time. So after that, the missionaries called to tell me that they had a lesson for a girl they introduced to me on sunday and they wanted me and hubby to come. He can't because he has a service project with his kids, but I can, so I said I'll be there. Then hubby proceded to be all upset about me spreading myself too thin, about me not doing enough in the house and pretty much reminding of my "ball and chain". I guess my spirit was soaring too high for him and he had to bring me down. He said he was worried I'd work out in the morning and then ride the bike downhill to this sister's lesson with the elders, that that was too much, instead of figuring out a way for me to keep the car or for someone to give me a ride, or just plainly cheer me on as I'm trying to do more with this mortal tabernacle of clay I was given. It dawned on me that may be I'm being too selfish in thinking I can do so much on my own, taking too much time for myself and not doing the things I have to do. All the sudden my cheerful spirit got stomped and I guess I just sunk. While he was playing a long, long game of risk up until now (11pm) I tidied up the house, clean the bathrooms, take the trash out, do some laundry and finish some dishes that were waiting for me. I couldn't help but feeling it wasn't fair. May be he still is angry with me for having him do dishes when I went running, when he expressed his not wanting to do them. I don't know. I'm just sad now, because just when I feel motivated to do what I need to, to get off my butt and do something worthwhile, something fulfilling... like her saying that may be next year I can do the triathlon with her. I guess my eyes glittered and I got happy, just picturing myself doing something I consider incredible, something I would never even dream of doing. Yet, coming home, all that went away... and that was left was that feeling that I'm doomed to be a "mexican maid" whether it is for my husband, for his family or any job I get to do. I'm just the foreigner whose only skill is to clean toilets... one that should be quiet and just do what she's told. I get the gloomy feeling my life is going to turn out like my mom's, despite of the different choices I've made. May be it's a family curse, though I don't even believe in them. I don't know. I just know I went outside to take the trash and the air was so crisp and cool, so fresh it was beautiful. I stayed there for a while, while hearing the guys laughing inside. They didn't even notice I was gone. I thought to myself "this air is perfect for riding the bike" and in my flip flops and "bum" clothes I got out there and run the bike for like 5 min, just to feel the air in my face, at night, with nobody around and nobody even knowing I was out there. It felt like a relief, it tasted a little like freedom. I guess that can be my only freedom... at least until hubby gets more understanding.
Well, sorry for ending on a bitter note. I was trying to vent and get rid of all this gloomy feelings, that I may sleep well tonight and start the new day better.
Have a good night, my fellow bloggers!!!

Things are good, now :D

2008-09-09T19:19:00.000-07:00

So I had a rocky week (almost 2 weeks). Hubby's grandma went in for surgery on friday 29th. Because the hubby is a procrastinator by nature we were working until that very same day painting the room, replacing the carpet and we still weren't done. Then we took her in and waited and ate yucky hospital food (mcdonald's has more appealing food than that)... and then we got to see her. She did awesome, she did great while she was in the hospital, except for some drama the day they released her. They did discharge papers to send her home on the holiday day... and she needed a hospital bed to be delivered but the place was closed for the holiday. So the first night at our house she slept on a recliner... which was quite sad. It was quite aweful the first week... since she kept waking up every 2 hours to go to the bathroom and I had to get up and help her every time to get up, walk with a walker to the bathroom, get the clothes down, help her get up, clean up and get back to the room. I was so exhausted by the end of the week I didn't have strength to do anything. But as things progressed she got to start doing this things on her own and she's regaining her strength, so I was able to sleep through the night for the past couple of nights and I'm happy.
So then the trial moved from being a physical one to be an emotional one. She's diabetic and need to be careful with what she eats. Because me and my hubby have been on a diet to get healthy and loose weight that wasn't hard to implement, but she was having a hard time without candy and without satisfying her cravings whenever she wanted... she annoyed me so much, I believe, as much as I annoyed her. Right now we're trying to be nice to each other and not drive each other crazy, though I think she really wants to leave as soon as she can. I don't mind her being here as long as she doesn't resist the healthy eating... or make us change our dieting because she wants to incorporate bad eating habits. She complains to everyone that visits her about not being able to eat candy and about not having cable (because she loves her HGTV and I don't have cable for financial reasons), and it's annoying me sooooo much. But I need to stop letting it annoy me.
Anyhow... this is my venting for the day. My friend who saw that anime show calls this trial my "Torhu Honda opportunity"... for those who want to see the show, you'll understand what she means.
I'm also trying to keep busy, because I don't want to get sad or lonely. Today I cut my friends hair (he looks so cute I told him he better not get a girlfriend, because he's getting ready to go on a mission)... and tomorrow he'll come to help with cleaning the house before the activity I'll do with the primary girls. I'll go bike riding with his mom on thursday (she's preparing for a triathlon, she's my hero right now :) and I'll go to the temple on friday with the young women president to talk about camp (my new calling). I'm filling my days up so I can get over myself and my inadequacies and do what I'm supposed to do when i'm supposed to do it. It gives me motivation. I added a picture of my dear Mendoza, since I believe on sunday morning my sister was born (long story summarized: my dad cheated on my mom, left her, got a lady pregnant and now he has another daughter, when he left mom in the first place because he was pursuing getting a son... call it divine justice, or humor, I guess :) So I'm melancholic and I wish I could be there for her, since it is not her fault she's born to such a complicated situation with such a crazy dad. I don't know her mom but I know my dad and I know the poor girl will suffer because of him... so my prayers are with her. So... that's why I placed a beautiful pictures of Mendoza's mountains.
Allright... love for everyone out there in bloggerworld, I'll keep you posted on my life's disgrace and beauty :D

I need to update this...

2008-08-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Argentina won the gold on Friday (it was actually, Saturday 2am)... I stayed up and they beat up Nigeria 1-0 and got the gold... I was so happy! I was happier that my husband and our 2 friends stayed over and watched the game with me, which gave more of a "group gathering" feeling, the way I used to feel in Argentina when gathered with friends to watch "futbol".
This has been an interesting week. I received a new calling on Sunday as "Young Women Camp Leader" and I must admit I'm really nervous. I've never been to camp before, at least not here in the US and have no idea of what I'm supposed to do. On the other hand, when I was called to meet with the 2nd couselor in the bishopric Saturday night, I prayed my whole way there to be humble and to put myself in the hands of the Lord, that whatever the calling given, I know it is for my growth and my eternal progression. So I'm still kind of in limbo... not really knowing what to do just yet, but happy I get to serve the Lord in a different area now.
Also, our friends helped us move the furniture out of that room (the one my hubby's grandma is going to stay in) and they helped us paint it between tuesday and yesterday. It was fun having them over, although there was no food to feed them with, so they had to leave to have lunch and come back afterwards (we're trying to stretch the little we have until friday payday).
Today we'll have the carpet replaced and hopefully tonight we'll get to finish the room (faceplates on walls, pictures, furniture, etc.). At least, after all the stress from the weekend and beginning of this week, everything is going allright and we'll be ready to take her to the hospital tomorrow morning.
Also my friend brought a movie, well, actually, animated series... it's anime. I would recommend it to anybody. It has its silly things (considering its targeted audience is high school girls) but it has some amazing lessons to learn from it. I haven't seen it through the end because my friend took it now that she's leaving for college today, but I really got hooked. Even my bishop (my friend's dad) likes it and now I know why. I'd say if any of you, my fellow bloggers, would like to watch it, pay special attention to the lesson in kindness and the "parable" of the plum in the back (or riceball). The name of the show is "Fruits Basket" and it is really heart warming, I think in any bad day it can make you feel better.
Here's a link where you can watch the episodes (just copy and paste in your browser):
http://anime6.org/m6/index.php?_action=item_view&id=74

Have a good day, all of you out there. Oh, in my scripture study I got to 2 Nephi 23. But the best one is chapter 22... I cried and all. It is beautiful to read it thinking of oneself saying the praises to the Lord. I read it out loud (I'm alone at home this morning) and it really hit me... just beautiful.

Once again, have a wonderful day out there in blogger-world.

My morning scripture reading :D

2008-08-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

2 Nephi 10
vs. 11 "and this land shall be a land of liberty unto the Gentiles"
vs. 14 "For he that raiseth up a king against me shall perish, for I, the Lord, the king of heaven, will be their king, and I will be a light unto them forever, that hear my words."
vs. 19 "...for it is a choice land...wherefore I will have all men that dwell thereon that they shall worship me, saith God."
vs. 20 "...let us remember him, and lay aside our sins, and not hang down our heads, for we are not cast off..."
vs. 23 "cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves..."
vs. 24 "wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God..."

I always have trouble thinking about this land as a choice land when I see corruption and the "secret combinations" of men as clear as day... but this chapter stroke me a different way... because Jacob is saying that this land is a choice land for those that hear God's words. Throughtout the chapter he mentions the different promises made to those that dwell in this land...a land of "liberty"...and he also says the Lord says "He will be our king, the king to those who hear His words"... because our Lord knows we'd be faced with corrupt men that want to pose themselves as "kings", that do not know God nor follow his words. I liked that scripture a lot.
Then he goes on to say that we need to REMEMBER God and "not hang down our heads"... which is funny to me, he's saying to just leave our sins, habits and everything that's detrimental to our spiritual health and stop "moping" about being sinners, because 'we are not cast off'. Verse 23 is my favorite... "cheer up" because you have agency.... which is simple, just realize that you have that enourmous power to change your life in any way you want, for bad or good, nobody makes that choice for you and that power is a blessing, a huge blessing.... so, he goes on to say, so "reconcile yourselves to the will of God"... in other words: we are blessed with agency, let's use it the way it was intended and do God's will.
It reminds me of what Apostle Hales said in conference, which I never thought much of. He said that just like he was in front of us in a pulpit giving a talk... so was Satan in the council of Heaven, explaining what his plan was, to all of us... he said that when Satan wanted all glory to himself, that if that plan was chosen, we would not begin our prayers with "Heavenly Father, praise thee or glory to thee" but "Lucifer, all glory to thy name"... that really impacted me.... and we would not have any agency, that's what that "battle" was all about. We have agency now because we fought for it and Heavenly Father blessed us with it that we may do acording to our will... but He provided the whole plan, for us to know how to use it for our benefit, to be able to go back to him. That's how amazing a blessing is our agency!!! I never thought of it that way. So.... CHEER UP YOUR HEART, EVERYBODY (including myself:)!!!!! BECAUSE YOU ARE FREE TO ACT FOR YOURSELVES.....and the scripture goes on to say "to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life".... pretty self-explanatory :D
Allright... I'm done for today... enjoy your day everybody, making use of your agency in the little and big things, for Heavenly Father blessed us with it so we may do so.... so, I choose to either eat some of the cookies I'll make for the girls for Activity Days or I'll stick to the eat clean plan that I gave myself as a goal... I'll need much prayer to stick to it, specially when I don't eat anything after 6pm and my body goes through sugar withdrawals (makes me wonder how many chemicals are made with the specific purpose of making us addicted to them... I'm also wondering how long will the withdrawals last, and I'm sure going to compare it to my mother in-law's smoking addiction program...I wonder which one last longer ;)

Vamos, Vamos, Argentina!!! ;P

2008-08-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

In english:
http://en.beijing2008.cn/news/sports/headlines/football/n214565119.shtml

En español:
http://telemundo.nbcolympics.com/newscenter/news/newsid=236162.html#el+tango+silencio+samba

This is the best picture I could get of one of the best players in the Argentinian team. Anyhow... I caught the 2nd half of the game on Telemundo (spanish channel) and watched it, and felt really happy they were 0-0 the first half, that I missed, and then, bam, bam, bam... 3-0 and Argentina beat Brazil. I was happy, since Brazil has such a strong team, in soccer it is one of Argentina's well known rivals (within South America). I screamed so loud with that 1st goal, I was ecstatic... it's been to long since I got to do that (it feels a little better when you're among friends and you all get to wear the colors and scream at the same time, don't know what it is, but it is quite contagious ;) So here I share the articles I found... I couldn't find video of the goals. :D Enjoy!

Today I'm blue.... just color-wise :D (because if I was green, I would die, says the song ;)

2008-08-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, I updated my blog. I added my favorite song ever, which I think I did have at some point but removed (that was when I could only have 1 video bar). I also fixed the video from the pop looking kids "Sen no yoru wo koete" by Aqua Timez... now it has subtitles so you can read the lyrics in english along... sorry for the mess up :D
I also added a lullaby at the bottom of the page from a very sad episode of my favorite anime. Here's the info I found on this song (just missing the last line). It is so beautiful I found the sheet music and I'll practice it on the piano, when I master it I'll upload it here to share with all of you out there in blogger-world:
The Lacrimosa is part of the Dies Irae sequence in the Requiem mass. Its text comes from the 18th and 19th stanzas of the sequence. Many composers, including Mozart, Berlioz, and Verdi have set the text as a discrete movement of the Requiem.

TEXT IN LATIN:
Lacrimosa dies illa
Qua resurget ex favilla
Judicandus homo reus.
Huic ergo parce, Deus:
Pie Jesu Domine,
Dona eis requiem. Amen.

LITERAL TRANSLATION
Tearful that day,
on which will rise from ashes
guilty man for judgment.
So have mercy, O Lord, on this man.
Compassionate Lord Jesus,
grant them rest. Amen.

I started my day with a prayer and read 2 Nephi 9 (I usually tend to get stuck on 2 Nephi... so I've been here for quite a while, but this chapter moved me). Let me share a couple of things here and there:
vs. 18 "the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed in the Holy One of Israel, they who have endured the crosses of the world, and despised the shame of it, they shall inherit the kingdom of God... and their joy shall be full forever"
vs. 21 "and he cometh into the world that he may save all men if they will hearken unto his voice"
vs. 41 "Behold, the way for man is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate..."
vs. 42 "and whoso knocketh, to him will he open..."
vs. 46 "prepare your souls for that glorious day when justice shall be administered unto the righteous, even the day of judgment, that ye may not shrink with awful fear.."
vs. 50 "Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price."
vs. 51 "Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness."
vs. 52 "Behold, my beloved brethren, remember the words of your God; pray unto him continually by day, and give thanks unto his holy name by night. Let your hearts rejoice."

The main thing that touched me is how sweetly he talks to his brethren... Jacob is talking to the saints, the members of the church, so he is to talking to us today as well... he's pointing out our sins and issues throughtout the chapter, but he sweetly and humbly prompts us to come back, letting us know that we made covenants, and to keep them, we must "remember the words of our God" and we must "pray continually"... sounds simple, but we still fail in doing so "continually"... My general thought between the book I'm reading, and the conferences talks and my prayers... at least the impression I've had on my mind for a couple of days is that people's lives are not black or white, they are all shades of gray... which helps me with my tendency to judge others (and myself) wrong. That the atoning sacrifice of our Savior must be applied daily (like a cream on a burn or like the medications we must take daily to help our physical bodies)... that every day we go through this life's "test" and everything little and wordly is part of this test and how we react to the trials presented by the sum of this little things will determine who we are really serving. Having the scriptures and daily prayer will help our spirit be in tune with the Holy Ghost and we'll know how to "answer" the test better, because it prepares us for it. I can only think of those days where an unexpected bill hits the bank account and I get so stressed and anxious I get cranky and talk fairly abusively to my husband... if that morning I prayed and read scriptures, my mind is more focused when that bill hits the bank account and I can treat my hubby better and my overall reaction will be better, more focused on how to solve the problem at hand than on freaking out and yell at everything that moves and talks around me ;)
The main issue I have is to think that other's are perfect and I'm not where I'm supposed to be. So I've been focusing on thinking everybody is imperfect, they are all flawed, as I am flawed. That is why we must all use the Atonement in our lives, whether to heal our wounded hearts from depression and anxiety or to overcome adictions (I'm using the same approach to food my mother in law was explained to use to stop smoking by her home teacher... as long as you cling to Heavenly Father and seek His help, you'll control cravings. I decided to eat better foods and the more I pray and seek Heavenly Father's help, the easier it is to eat right and the more grateful I am when I need to bless the food before eating. I appreciate it more), or to leave detrimental habits and to forsake past sins. That's the most important lesson I've learned in the last week: that the Atonement is not only for sinners, that we all need it, even if we're on the right track doing everything we can "right", that our worship should focus on putting at our Savior's feet, as you would a sacrifice, our broken hearts and contrite spirits, and as you would a gift, put at his feet your hands to labor with your God-given talents and gifts... to work in God's vineyard, for the last time. I'm remembering when Apostle Hales mentioned the parable of the olive tree found in Jacob 5. He compared us with the last set of servants the master employed to work, where He, Himself, worked with the servants... the Apostle said we are those servants and the Master, Himself, is working with us... we just need to be willing to serve, to open our mouths when the spirit prompts us to do so, to offer a skill or help or time the same way, when we are prompted. I love this church, and I'm working on my weaknesses, so I can find opportunities to serve, instead of chances to complain, so I can work hard with the Master's help, in his vineyard, to gather the fruit... to build Zion. Everything else fades away...
Ok, I've yapped long enough. Have a wonderful day out there, my fellow bloggers!

What an amazing conference!!!!

2008-08-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

Hello all,
Today we had conference. But it wasn't a usual conference (not that any of them are) we had 2 general authorities visiting us: Apostle Robert D. Hales and Elder Martino of the 70. What an amazing thing!
If I start chronologically (wow, that was a big word), well, our week didn't go very well, since me and my hubby argued and bickered throughout the whole week, specially about finances (which always brings a huge load of stress and makes us cranky). We had decided to "pinky swear" last sunday, while we were awesomely spiritually fed, that we would go to the temple in preparation for conference. Friday came and we didn't go, we had to do shopping and the week flew by too fast to get anything we wanted to do, done (we were trying to fix the room that his grandma is going to stay in, but couldn't). We did go to choir practice, all rehearsals except for one (we were steam cleaning the bedroom and 7pm hit before we noticed)... because we wanted to have front-row seats... What a privilege!!!
So, saturday morning we were going to the temple... and we didn't get there until 1pm (but we got there, which is important!). We went through a session and stayed for quite a while after it, just talking and feeling the spirit within those beautiful holy walls. We then went to the adult session of conference (hubby missed the priesthood session) and were amazed at how few of our brethren attended. We were seated in the back and the speakers went out, so we couldn't hear well, which tested my patience (I think I cried through the whole meeting, not because of the spirit, but the thought of me missing important things...oh well, I said to myself, tomorrow I'm one of the privileged ones to be in the front).
We were going to fast and never got to, our whole week and saturday went so fast and the times for our meals so messed up we never got to kneel down and officially started a fast, so we didn't do one (I was a little dissapointed, but looking back we did a lot). We went this morning to choir rehearsal, then sat for the meeting.
The adversary had been really working on me, specially when silly sisters put their scriptures to save their seats or when two of them came and bullied me and my friend out of our seats because, according to them "we weren't taller than they were". So, it was really tough to get my mind in the right place... at least, until President Hastings, the stake president, started his talk. Wow!!! Everything mundane and petty goes out the window when that man opens his mouth to speak about the gospel.
We sang "I am a child of God", the congregation sang "Redeemer of Israel", then the choir sang "Come, Thou, fount of every blessing", then the congregation sang "The Lord is my light" and the choir finished with "I need Thee every hour", right after Elder Hales talked. By the last verse of that hymn, both the congregation and us in the choir where overwhelmed with tears of joy, you could feel the spirit in the room... specially while singing and remembering Elder Hales' words. The feeling that that was really a true apostle of God right there, not more than 10 feet away from me, that he was giving us in humility his testimony and blessing... was overwhelming and joyful. He flipped through the scriptures as he was prompted by the spirit and it felt as though we were "at home", as if we were having family home evening and this humble and spiritual giant of a brother was giving the lesson... but in a very comfortable, humble and home-y sort of fashion. I was telling my hubby that it didn't feel like we were little and he was big up there on the pulpit. It felt as though we were all at the same level talking one to another as sisters and brothers... Well, as I go through my notes I'll share some of the insights I wrote from this conference.
All in all, we did quite a bit this week... but again, the mundane goes out the window when the spirit takes over... and allows us to see things for what they really are and gives us perspective. Getting that room done was a goal for this week and because we didn't finish it, it was frustrating both of us, but if we consider we got to attend the temple, we got to practice and then sing in a conference where an Apostle of the Lord was present and we got to hear the beautiful message this Lord's disciple had for us... getting that room done seems but a little tiny petty thing that can get done anytime, where as singing in the choir, attending the temple and hearing an apostle of the Lord seems more of a "once in a lifetime" thing.
I got to shake his hand, and I was content even though I was one of many in the sea of people. On their way out, my husband wanted to hug our stake president, so we followed them and it turned out to be where all of them were going outside of the building, so I got to shake Apostle Hales' hand again. All I could think of, as silly as this may sound, is what my mom would think. She's miles away and I know she'll be as excited as I was... I can actually say I was excited for her, because I wanted to shake his hand for her. I don't know if I'm making any sense... but anyhow... it's enough to say I was overwhelmed with joy and I can't wait to share it with my family far away.
The closest I ever was to an apostle of the Lord was about half a stadium away, when Apostle Scott visited Mendoza in a multi-stake conference, I think I was about 15-16 and was so far away he looked like a little tiny ant on the other side. The message was powerful and then I felt the Lord's presence... though I never got close enough to shake his hand, it didn't matter, because I felt he was a servant of the Lord, a disciple and a messenger... I felt the veracity of his words in my heart and that's all that mattered. Today I didn't expect to be able to shake his hand at all. But my husband prompted me to go forward and do so... and I'm glad he did. I can tell my mom I was sitting up there very close to him and got to hear him, his voice and testimony, as close as I was, as if we were one family sitting down for family home evening. What a beautiful feeling!
No regrets on my part for this week... though it was "bumpy", we got through it all and we're happy and we feasted spiritually to the point that we are full. Now I need to pursue the promptings I personally felt, I'll revise my notes and read the scriptures that were shared... and I'll seek to keep myself spiritually fed so my "spiritual fuel cell" (as my husband calls it) doesn't run out.
Lots of love to all of you out there in blogger-world.

Go Argentina, Go USA!!!!

2008-08-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have two conflicting thoughts about the Olympics.
One, I wasn't born in Argentina, but I was raised there and it is a country that's very focused on sports, so my heart goes out when such a display of sport skills at an international level is shown. I was happy to hear Argentina is doing well in the futbol (soccer)preliminars (they went agaisnt Cote D'Ivoire and agaisnt Australia, next will be against Serbia)... can't wait to see how far they get. And my mom told me that Argentina already has a brass medal for female judo.... Anyhow... I know that sounds like nothing compared to all the gold the US is getting, but my heart goes out to the sportsmen and women from Argentina.

My other thought, which made me kind of ignore the opening ceremonies and the display of glorious Beijing is the poverty in China. Specially when they showed a special on TV about the country-side farmers that are letting their crops die so the water can be re-directed to Beijing (so when you see the fountains and the water displays, that's all you can think about). All I see is people dying of starvation and a corrupt empire that wants to portray themselves so detailed as a beautiful country with their doors open, while behind the scenes there's people dying so "us" the turists can take pretty pictures for our scrapbooks. It makes me sad. Then my mom was ashamed that I missed the opening ceremony ("such a display of equality between all countries in the world", as she called it) and told me about the little girl that sung a beautiful chinese song in pigtails and with a big smile on her face, and it made her cry. I told her I'll find it online to watch it so I can talk with her about it and all I found were the links and the pictures of two girls: Yang Peiyi and Lin Miaoke. The first one sung so perfectly, but wasn't cute enough, so they replaced her with the second girl, which aparently is perfectly beautiful. Here's one of the many links (this one had the best pictures as I can see):
http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/news/article-1043806/Cute-girl-forced-mime-Olympic-ceremony-China-banned-girl-crooked-teeth.html
They explained that the presentation had to be perfect because that's the image they want the world to have of China. What they won't understand is that people do feel betrayed and even angered (I read through many comments and people are really angry about this). I didn't see it so I'm out of the loop. But I can only image my mom's reaction when I tell her, she'll be so dissapointed. And China won't understand that now that's how the world will remember them, trying to cover up the poverty of a corrupt empire with a fake image of grandeur, and it was perfectly portrayed by this lip-sinking switch-eroo.
Then again, the sinner throwing the first stone, right? When the US has no more poor among them (or no more people hung up on outward appearances), then may be, we can point out other's countries infirmities (whether they be capitalist or not, christian or not).... So far, no men-created philosophy, ideology or governmental set-up has made a system were poverty doesn't exist... and if I may say so, from my religious view, just Christ teachings do. Funny that I mention Christ and China in the same post, hopefully it won't offend people, it is rather intended for those of us that claim Christ in our religion yet don't behave "christian" enough. If people were a little more "christian" and expected more "christian" outcomes out of their politicians and leaders in general, the results would be that of people caring for one another and the poor, the lonely, the sinner, all would be taken care of by this fellowship of christian love.

Ok, so, there, my two cents about the Olympics and where I stand in the political injustices shown so far. I didn't even mention the War that's going on right now as I type between Russia and Georgia, or the Tibetan Liberation issues... that's for you, my fellow-bloggers, to research on your own. :D
Lots of love and peace!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bH6_8t4PIyg
Song "Ode to the Motherland"... beautiful song, it is the song the little girl sang (but I couldn't find footage of her singing it, or rather, lyp-synch-ing, and this one gave me chills anyway... really beautiful song). I'll post the lyrics if I find them.

This is funny... 'cause I do enjoy old musicals and swing :D

2008-08-08T15:01:00.001-07:00

You Belong in 1953

You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

What Year Do You Belong In?

So, I will never use wikipedia ever again

2008-08-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

I was searching through Wikipedia, you know, following my threads of thought and came across a disgusting porn image. I requested they remove it and I've been talking back and forth with an administrator and their claim is:
" it would be very difficult to give full and accurate information without including those relevant details or images. I hope that you will understand our desire to give all the information available to our readers." I told them the image wasn't relevant, the written description was "descriptive" enough and they called foul saying I was trying to "censor" their website. Then I said I have a right to do school work or seek knowledge and feel safe that my decision to not see any sexually explicit images/content will be respected, but since they took that right away from me, I requested again for them to remove the image. Or at the very least, place it down further in the article and put a big warning on the top of the article so readers can scroll down at their own risk. They replied that if I didn't want to see, I shouldn't have done any sort of search on the matter.
Call me ignorant, but where I come from, I never heard the word "hentai". May be it would have been better if I asked around like an idiot and get the disgusted looks of people that did know what it was. For those out there that don't know, it is japanese drawn porn. My search on japanese culture lead to it and I was "slapped" in the face by a horrible picture that depicted what it was. I have no quams in reading information written objectively about sex or sexual issues, since I studied Obstetrics in my country and I had to learn from medical books about it all. What I do have a problem with is the fact that they consider a very offensive and disturbing picture relevant to the content of the article, or that its ommission would make the article less informative.
Since the person I talked to from Wikipedia called my request "censorship" and said he didn't see anything wrong with that picture, I created an account and removed it myself. See, they make you think anybody can participate and upload information and images or remove them. It's an ilussion, a fallacy. It was ultimately not removed, and no explanation was given as to why it wasn't.
So, I turned to my long forgotten facebook account and started a group called "Petition to remove sexual images from Wikipedia". Right now it has 1 member (that's me). I'm going to run it for a month and see how many people agree with me on this one. Here's the link:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=38193321507&ref=mf

If any of you, my fellow bloggers, would like to see the outrageous replies I got, or the emails I wrote to them, please ask. I didn't want to explain in my post what the picture is about, since it is vulgar to just describe it. I wanted to know what that japanese word meant, and didn't expect that horrible picture. I'm starting to think that may be some Women's Rights Groups should be interested in this issue as well, since it depicts women very demeaningly (and I wish I had had the choice to not see it taken from me).
If any of you, my fellow bloggers, is interested in supporting this issue, but don't have a facebook account (and don't want one) I suggest you write directly to wikipedia's administrators:

Mike Ingram is the man I've been emailing back and forth and the ticket # is:
[Ticket#2008072810030451] I have a complaint about porn in your website.

Let me know if you're interested in supporting this struggle. Since this happened I will not use wikipedia and everyone around me who I talked to is not either. I'm using from now on www.thefreedictionary.com which also has an encyclopedia feature and it's not written by teenagers or adults without any moral fiber, hence the reason I removed wikipedia from my list of favorite websites.

On a lighter note:
About my personal life, everything is going great. I'm keeping myself busy, REAL busy.... which in turn, keeps me focused. I've been participating in service projects, heping people move, going the extra mile in my calling and I've been asked (as an assignment) to play the organ for the hispanic ward that attends my chapel. So for the past 2 sundays I've been at church for 5 hours or so. I like it, my husband sort of disagrees with it, but so far everything is going great. I've also started music lessons for the hispanic ward, since they don't have anybody to play during their meetings (and I won't be there forever). So, we'll see what happens. I'll try to update my blog a little more often.
I'm still reading the book "No Doubt about it" by Sheri Dew... and I'm really loving it. It's helping me so much with my personal struggles... I recommend it to anybody because she writes it as if she were talking to you personally (as if she knew your struggles and issues and weaknesses)... I really like it. It is helping me with PERSPECTIVE. Talks quite a bit about the vision we have of ourselves as women and the eternal perspective we should have amidst the worldly trials. Talks about Satan and the tactics he uses to lure us away from having this focused perspective. Again, I just really recommend it, specially to LDS women, or not LDS women that are struggling (just as much) with issues of inadequacy or self-esteem. It'll really give you purpose.
Allright, enough said. I can't seem to write smaller posts, but more often. They tend to be rather long and few and far between :D
Everybody have a wonderful sunny/cloudy day out there!!!!

I'm doing good so I'm attaching my thoughts here to share with my fellow bloggers (non edited) :D

2008-07-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

Thursday July 10th, 2008 11:10pm
I understand, if a little, the Atonement of my Savior. It's been such a mistery for me and it has eluded my limited reasoning for all this time. My sadness was caused by this lack of understanding because it caused a lack of faith and hope (and sometimes even charity, the pure love of Christ). Today is my mom's 53rd birthday and she just confessed through an email that she found out my dad would have a daughter with his current girlfriend. Her heart is broken and I felt helpless, because in my weakness I do not know how to "succor" her in her needs. I feel her pain in my own heart and cry her tears and when I prayed I begged the Lord "even if she is not seeking Thee, I am seeking Thee right now, please take her in Thine arms, please cover her under Thine wing and bless her in her time of need". The thought came to me "I wish I was spotless enough to be a sacrifice for her, to take her pain upon me, so that her heart would be healed", and I realized that, though I am not spotless, my Savior Jesus Christ is, and He did take her pain, and mine and has cried our tears and loves us so much, all He wants is for us to remember and He will heal our hearts, because He knows our pain. I don't need to be spotless to take her pain away, I have to look up to Him (too simple and too easy for the complex mind to comprehend), I have to "trust" Him, He knows better than I do and all this suffering is preparing me and my family for everlasting glory. Now I know everything is going to be ok because it is in His hands and I need the trials to grow, and so does my mom, however hard and strong. I know Him, in His wisdom, is preparing us for bigger, better things and He will guide us through it all... because He knows the hardness of it, He's felt it and knows how to "succor" in our time of need. I love Him for it and now I understand why He did it... because He loves the whole world the way I love my mom and He didn't want us to suffer death and hell, the same way I don't want my mom to suffer. I want to see her happy as He wants to see us happy and in his plan, this trials are but for a moment, and they mean a way for us to obtain a place in our Heavenly Father's home. Now I know why President Brigham Young said that people who know what's awaiting, see trials as blessings. Because Jesus doesn't want us to suffer an eternity apart from Him and Our Heavenly Father, the plan is in place and the necessary trials to help us get there. I am so greatful, my body shakes, for this understanding was given to me in my time of need and now I don't fear man, nor death, nor the future... I know everything, though the world crumbles around me, will be ok, for now I know in whom to put my trust... y todo lo puedo en Cristo que me fortalece (Fil 4:13) "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Phil 4:13).
In my Savior's sweet name I leave this written testimony for those who read it to find knowledge directly from God. Amen.- 07/10/2008 11:40pm
ROMANS 5:1-8

Wednesday July 16th, 2008
What is my resolve? This is the question I seek answer to. I'm kinda lost thinking about it. What drives me to wake up every morning a face a new day? It is very difficult when I think that I don't have a purpose, that I have a face this turbulent world and my existence doesn't have any influence on anybody. At least this is the depressive thought the adversary has been planting in my head. Every time I feel a little sense of how much my Savior loves me, this thought comes back to me and hurts me and cripples my efforts to keep moving forward.
I had a dream on Monday where I was back in Mendoza, Argentina. I walked the streets to make it to Institute and though there was a lot of new faces, that I greeted happily, I saw some old known ones. I was so happy to see them and them to see me. I hugged them and they ask me if I could help. They were preparing an activity and I starting helping right away. When I woke up I cried immediately, for no reason. I had to wake up completely to stop crying. I felt the need to be needed, if that makes any sense. I feel that here, whenever I walked into an activity or something, I am not needed, things are being taken care of and I'm more of a nuisance than a help. I want to be needed.
My thought on it afterwards when I talked to Andrew about it was, I miss them, I miss that place and the things I did, I miss being needed... but I want to keep moving forward. I want to leave the past behind and move forward. I don't want to dwell on the past. I've lived this 4 years here in las Vegas in a haze, in limbo, not knowing where to go nor what to do. I lost my purpose. I searched everywhere but the right places and searched inside my soul like the philosophies of men tend to point towards. I looked and looked and the adversaries thoughts filled my head more and more and hurt my heart.
Now, after fasting last week and praying intently, after studying scriptures and reading the first chapters in the book “No doubt about it” by Sheri Dew... I strengthened my determination to find my place and purpose, my resolve.
Thinking about my search for myself the thought came to my head of that scripture “whoever seeks their lives will lose them and whoever loses their lives for my sake will gain eternal life” (not quoted exactly. Found it in Matthew 16:25 “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it”). Now I know I've been searching in the wrong place... I want to make myself happy by searching in my soul what makes me happy when the Lord has said that if I lose myself in the service of other and seek Him and the company of His spirit I will be truly happy. What made me happy in Mendoza, what gave me the feeling of being needed was the fact that I “lost my life” working in the Church and helping in any way I could to build Zion in that place of the world. I need to do that here as well. My sense of direction came from my career as a midwife and everything else was just “icing on the cake”. Now that I don't have that career oriented purpose, I feel (or I've felt) rather purposeless. But as the thought of that scripture came, so did the words of Brother Wajchman “just think of the effect and influence your attending to Institute will be teaching your children”. And I thought “What am I doing right now that will influence my children?” “What will this 4 years teach my children?” And I realize that I need to snap out of it, out of this state of hazy purposeless life, where I don't know why am I waking up every day.
I need to loose myself in the service of others and I need to think that by doing that, my children will look back with pride on their mom who did this to find herself again. I need to wake up everyday with the question “What am I going to do today to serve my brothers and sisters?” and when my spirit falters and wavers I need to remember that my children will look back and know what source to seek to find themselves... like Nephi said: “And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” (2 Ne 25:26)
I found a quote from Eliza R. Snow that says: “It is the duty of each one of us to be a holy woman... There is no sister so isolated, and her sphere so narrow but what she can do a great deal towards establishing the Kingdom of God upon the earth”. This is what I lack... I tend to think that my sphere is so narrow, that I am so isolated I cannot do anything to help in the building of Zion. This quote from such an amazing woman gives me hope and lets me know that what I tend to think is nothing but the flaxen cord Satan uses on me. And from now on I need to fight it and don't let him use it on me. Now that I know I shouldn't allow him the use of it. Because it hurts my heart and numbs my efforts to do something. I guess my doing something is powerful enough to cause the Adversary to tremble and fight against it.... that's some food for thought.
And this is my resolve... I'll use my hands to loose my life serving others for the sake of God's kingdom and when I do so I'll think of the example I'm setting for my children and my children's children and I know as a result, I will find myself... and find my longed-for happiness.
Now this world feels like a battleground. The fight with Satan is real and now I know, though invisible, it's very much there. Many can't see, as I couldn't, and fall in unknown paths. I need to work to help them back, I need to extend my hands in service and hope that Heavenly Father will allow their hearts to feel the spirit of my gift to them (worldly service) and allow them to feel the love I have for my God, the God of Israel and the God of my forefathers. I belong to a higher sphere, that's why I don't belong here, but I've been chosen by Heavenly Father to know of myself about Him and His plan and His Kingdom... I need to carry on in the battle for my soul and my brother's and sister's souls. I need to do it whole-heartedly and without doubt nor fear.... putting myself in the hands of my Savior and knowing without a doubt that He'll protect me and guide me and that I won't fall while I do so.
Life's strife won't be the same again, because now I see it for what it is and now I know all I have to do is endure to the end....I need to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit and I believe I do have those... now I need to endure in the cause of Christ 'til the end.
As a side note, I felt in my heart that if I don't write this things I won't be able to “remember”, as the scripture said to do... to retain the remission of one's sins. So from now on, when I read scriptures and thoughts come into my head, meaning, as revelation comes into my heart, I need to write it, so in times of need, when my spirit starves, I can remember those feelings and thoughts and know what path to tread.
I leave this things humbly, as I figure who I am in Heavenly Father's plan, in the name of my Redeemer Jesus Christ. Amen.- 07/16/2008

Great.... so I fasted and prayed and read scriptures...

2008-07-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

... and got answers to my prayers. I talked to my hubby about how troubled I am... about how afraid I am about his grandmother coming to live with us. Then after a wonderful spiritual day, my husband had to talk to his grandma on the phone on speakerphone while she lectured him on who to vote for. Incredible! She was scolding him for decided against his past decisions and voting differently this time, to the best of his conscience. Told him he needs to realize that, though the Church doesn't tell us how to vote, the whole state of Utah is republican and he should see how good republicans arem how good they are to get our own oil companies so we don't depend on foreign oil and how good they were for scaring the middle easterns into not bombing us again. It was unbelievable when she proudly expressed her decision and my husband kindly disagreed how her whole attitude change and she turned into a tyrant trying to bring him into submission. He kept saying "My grandma (meaning her) taught me to vote the way my conscience dictates" and she kept fuming and getting angrier and angrier.
So I can clear this up, I'll write down my convictions (not political). I believe at this age where technology and knowledge are go far developed we shouldn't depend on oil at all (foreign or not)... car should run on water, water heater and electricity should come from solar power and wind power and everybody should be given enough land to have gardens to sustain themselves and their families, with farm animals for milk and eggs. I believe schooling should be free, or nearly free for everybody who wishes to further their education. I believe health care should be free... and money should become obsolete. I believe people should exchange the products of their skills and there should be no poor among them. Every neighbour should care for the neighbour next door and nobody would go without. But this is impossible in today's society, here in the US, in south america, in africa, or anywhere in the world. People have grown ignorant to resources and believe what they are told: "car can't run on water and compost stinks and blood is eewwww" so everybody relies in this money centered system where people live miserably, alone, go without and nobody care for nobody. So when she says x or y candidate has the answers I chuckled and the more she tries to convince my husband he's wrong, the angrier I get... because she doesn't have a clue and is so close-minded as to what anybody else thinks she believes she's right and everybody should do as she says.
So, at the end of the day, I don't know how I'll bring her into my home and let her dominate my husband with her rotten ideas. I don't know how I'll keep quiet in my own house and swallow my opinions.... because all this "beliefs" are more of a "wish list" than a possibility.... since I believe I'll see it when the Millenium comes and Jesus Christ reigns, but not now. But she can't stand that and I can't stand her thinking... what will I do? What will I do? I really don't know... all my fears come creeping back and I think I'll just be miserable as long as she is in my home, trying to correct our belief system.
If anybody has any clues as to what should I do, please let me know. Any ideas will be greatly welcomed, since I have no clue. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have her in my home anymore, but guilt keeps me from stopping it, since she's got nowhere to go... her house is a mess and all the leeches won't help her there. What to do? What to do? At this rate, I'm never going to find true happiness... let alone some sort of fulfillment out of life.

Ok, so I'm on track now... for the time being :D

2008-06-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful support. I don't have friends nearby, so your "internet" company really comforts me. I really appreciate it.
I believe you would think I'm nuts when all you get to read (because it is usually when I post things) it is my screams and tears... it is truthfully unfair that when things are going good I am usually busy enough not to post anything. When I am fuming or heartbroken, that's when I make time to write anything here to vent and get it all out.
I'm doing a couple of things to better myself (and thus, my blog):
1- I am going to work in the Temple (I already started the process). I decided I'll attend the temple more often if I have a responsibility that makes me get there, otherwise it is up to my hubby and we'd never go. It'll be once a week, except for the third week, when I'll go twice.
2- I am going to start my "urban farming" (I didn't tell you fellow blogger, but I AM KEEPING MY HOUSE!!! YAY!) The bank worked it out with us and now, at least for another 3 years, our mortgage is affordable enough to survive and stay in our home. We'll still have to go through bankruptcy but this is a huge load just lifted off our shoulder. I'm starting my vermi-compost this weekend and I'll start turning the soil and soil prep for next year, next week. The soil here in Vegas is so dry and lacks nutrients, I'm going to re-build it.
3- I signed up with the book club "Reading through History"... I'll be reading the book 1776 which I already checked out from the Library. My husband will be reading as well ("reading" is a figure of speech, he "cheats", he does the audiobook thing).

I figure doing all this will keep me busy enough to keep me on the right track. I'll forget about my problems and issues and I'll just let life be... full of "bumps", like my sister says.

My homepage is freedictionary.com and today's is the commemoration of Jose Rizal's birthday (I didn't know who he was until I read about him, he is the one on the picture above). He is the type of historical hero you'd fall in love with. I recommend to anyone... anywhere... no matter the country, to read about this great man whose achievements are many but recognition is few. I also recommend the poem "Mi ultimo adios" (or "My last farewell")... it brought me to tears. You can find it in its original spanish form doing a search or in translated english here. http://www.joserizal.ph/pm03.html

I'll be posting more as I go through my "adventures"... hoping I can take well the "bumps" on the road and using this blog to get the poison out of my system less and less often (as the ammounts of poison diminish and I become enlightened and brought to new heights of being... more humble and more self-esteem, more self-aware and less self-conscious).
Today is a good day and for that I give thanks :D

I guess I could cry all day....

2008-06-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

This blog is starting to look like my "wall of lamentations", like the hebrew people have.., with a little less headbanging. I feel I could do big things is only given the oportunity. I feel I could be the person I've always dreamed of becoming, yet chances and oportunities and my own insecurities are my demise. I look back at my past decisions and start questioning whether I did right or not. I had a life back in Argentina, I was respected, everybody knew me at Church in all 4 stakes. I was open with people, made friends easily and even visiting places where I didn't know anybody, I would just talk to strangers as if they were long-time friends. I look back at all that and wish I could be that person again. Why do I feel this way? I've been told I need to be "content" with my life the way it is, in other words, "count my blessings"... but I've never been that type of person. I do. I don't wait content that blessing may come, I change my life, I do things so the blessings "will" come. The problem is, How do I fix my life now? I have so many avenues, so many things I can do, but now it all depends on my husband's view of what "could" make me happy. He supported me in my "bussiness" idea... the one where I would work with a Midwife in town and learn the trade, help her and become what I was going to become in Argentina. The timing was wrong, the friend volatile and so I find myself unemployed, with half the income and a big sign of regret on my forehead. What should I do? Andrew doesn't want me to work, looking forward to have children. I don't want to work either, since I'm starting to save us so much money just staying at home and doing home-made everything I can. I lack the time, but, goodness, I feel I'm meant for bigger things. I'm so self-aware and so aware of my surroundings I feel other people just don't look that far into things... I lack the skills to do anything worthwhile or valuable for my community or society in general. I'm a Don Quixote, like my dad used to be before he was consumed by his ego and self-devotion. I want to change the world... I want to change the systems around me that are just too flawed... but I lack the skills, I lack the confidence and I lack friends. People were complaining on Craigslist about this city being so heartless, where decent people can't make friends.... I told them we should all join a group online or face-to-face meet-up to whine together and may be find some friendship in each other. One person wrote and told me God has something better prepared in the afterlife, just wait it out. How about that? Sit down, and God will solve it all, as long as my tushy is on a chair and I'm "content". What a load of crap?!?!?! Faith without works is dead and I told that person that, though I admire their religious devotion, she/he could have been the angel that would save me from loneliness that day, but decided to do an "omission sin" and do nothing other than scold me for my so-called "lack of faith". WOW!
I don't know how to unleash my potential. I have such great ideas, my first attempt to share them with my hubby he got scared. Gee! He decided it was too off-the-wall for us and we should keep to ourselves. Want to know my idea? Building a community. The way it's supposed to be, according to me. People knowing each other and helping each other. The more I read and research the more I turn into a "Green Hippy". I'm looking into eco-villages, into growing your own food sort-of-thing, where people trade goods. I feel so lonely doing the stuff I'm doing... baking bread or riding a bike shouldn't make you feel isolated, but man is this society screwed up or what?
And let's not even talk about making detergent at home and composting for gardening purposes. Online just the people that live in the "country" can talk about such topics, but I'm finding more and more that I can become an "urban homesteader"... specially now that I won't lose my house to this psycho market. But the problem with me is that I'm a sociopath.... I'm shy and insecure and even it is so, I care for people and their needs. I don't just want to grow a garden, I want to help other people grow them too. I know as little as the person next door, I'm reading and researching and learning as I go. I want to help others by growing food for my family and for the people in need around me and I want everybody to do the same so there's nobody in need. How is that for a Quixote windmill????
Hopefully this wish and unfullfilled desire of selflessness won't kill me... my chest hurts and my knees ache and medically speaking, my body is way older than I am... so I might die of an "achy, longing" heart.
And it all comes down to my title line.... I could cry all day.... but I guess it is too pointless, there's no plants to water with my tears just yet and I have way too many things to do around the house. I'll cry more some other time. Until then.... don't hold your breath and may all your lives, fellow bloggers, be fuller than mine.

Found another song, going through my CDs

2008-05-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Here's a song from Sugarland, called "Stand Back Up"

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,
I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than youd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,
I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kills you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,Thats when I'll just give up,
So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

It makes me cry every time I hear it... and she sings it so beautifully. Anyhow... doing sort of good here. I'm stressed, nervous and I'm feeling utterly lonely... I posted stuff on Craigslist, where other people where complaining about this city and the loneliness that comes from the lack of sense of community... I'm grasping at straws trying to find someone, somehow to be my friend and listen to my insanity.
Well, another song to my "attempting to feel better" songlist.
Hope things get better! I'll just pray a lot... and hope.

Hello, just trying to update :D

2008-05-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

It didn't turn out as bad as I thought. She drove me crazy that day because she didn't have her pain meds... the next day she was good because she did have them. We took her to see "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian". We made her "Chicken Piccata" (her favorite dish ever) and I baked her a chocolate cake with white frosting (which according to my husband it is her favorite). We bought her an Andrea Bocelli DVD "Live in Tuscany" which she says it is awesome. I think we did good. As long as I keep my mouth shut everything goes smooth. For a moment there between the movie and coming home to cook I almost lost it, though. I was tired, exhausted, I didn't want to deal with her anymore, I yelled at my hubby who got really grumpy because of it and I wanted the whole world to explode. Well... I put a music CD (Regina Spektor, her voice is soothing) and I started plugging away with the cleaning. So, working my muscles until they were sore helped me forget about my frustrations. Then like a miracle, she called saying she didn't feel too good to come over (which actually made me feel a lot better, rather than annoy me after I had cleaned everything). So we cooked at our own pace and then pack everything in tupperware and brought it to her. We dished everything up and had a good little meal. Also, there were no mooches there at the time, so we enjoyed ourselves without being interrupted or without people taking away the food we had brought. So... all in all.... everything went really good. We prayed a couple of time in between, specially before leaving the car while parked in front of her house, because we didn't know what to expect when we got in. So we earnestly prayed for patience and strength and everything turned out great. :D I guess I'm really thankful.
Today it was a good day at the chapel. I subbed for the ward organist and subbed for the primary pianist. Then I went to Relief Society and almost ended up sitting alone. I say almost because there's this sister that is very sweet and she decided to sit with me, for which I am most grateful. I can't stand how people sit in their little "clicks" and don't fellowship others. Anyhow... I'm helping the primary president plan a quarterly activity in the which I'm getting the Activity Days girls involved. I still don't have a clue about what we're doing, the President has less of the clue than I do, I just threw ideas here and there and we'll see what comes out. Prayer is powerful, so I'm thinking no matter what, it'll turn out ok :D
I'm really grateful for those fellow bloggers that shared their insights with me and encouraged me to keep going. I greatly appreciate the warmth and respect expressed in your comments and I'll hold them dear. I like to claim I don't have anybody and probably I'm among that vast majority of people out there that believe that and are completely and ungratefully blind as to how much they have and the people that loves and supports them. I believe myself guilty of that sin and I'm trying to best to acknowledge the blessings in my life, so thanks to all of you. I really need your support, whether you're strangers to me or not, since I feel so utterly lonely. Thanks again and have a good day!

I found a good song... very appropriate for this month

2008-05-16T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I was watching "Frank Sinatra. A man and his music II" and he sang beautifully this song, which means a lot, specially right now. He said "Pay attention to the lyrics" and I just had to share it here...

THAT'S LIFE - Frank Sinatra
That's life, that's what all the people say.
You're riding high in April,Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top, on top in June.

I said that's life,
as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin' on dreams
But I don't let it, let it get me down,
'Cause this ol' world it keeps spinning around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That's life
I tell ya, I can't deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just won't buy it.
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try,
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of quitting, baby
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this july
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
Oh, yeah

Don't tell me it's not fitting! :D It made me smile, specially thinking about those "people that get a kick out of stomping on dreams"... I guess whether it's 1938, 1965 or 2008, the world it's still the same old place, with the same people. Well, music is cathartic to me and this is my way of getting over things I guess. I'm still a little angry, mostly sad... and tomorrow we're having my hubby's Grandma over for her birthday, so we're cooking for her some Chicken Piccata and I'm making a cake... right now I don't feel like even talking to her, specially when everybody around me tells me to cut her some slack and nobody cuts me some slack, never. I can't say two words without them getting offended because the "foreigner doesn't know the way things work here", but then again.... WHO CARES? I'm tired of caring.
Well, changing the topic before the cathartic effect of the song leaves, I love Frank... heck, most of my idols are dead. Number one is Mr. Bobby Darin... then you can go chronologically back and say I love Frank and Dean and even Mr. Bing. I love Louis Armstrong and I can't get enough of musical movies of the 30s, 40s and early 50s. I love Kathryn Grayson and Debbie Reynolds, and my favorite movie of all time as of right now is Frank Capra's "Meet John Doe" (not a musical) with Gary Cooper and Barbara Stanwyck... I recommend it to everybody, because it really expresses the way I feel, the way I see the world, the way I want things to be, compared to how things are. This movie portrays it all excellently. Oh, well, enough talking.
Hope everybody has a better day than me out there! :]

I have to vent...

2008-05-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

I guess I was having a couple of nice days, you know, no self-pity or self-loathing... everything was working out good, though we're still in financial trouble I guess i was making lemonade out of lemons. Then yesterday had to happen.
My hubby family are insane... they are driving up the wall and i don't know what to do. I'd like to yell at them when they are screaming at each other "SHUT UP"... specially when my husband is the one getting yelled at by his crazy nut grandmother. She drives me up the wall. She thinks she's so good... wow, she's such a hypocryte (if I spelled that wrong I apologize).... she has such HUGE discrimination issues it's insane. For once, she believes me and my husband "owe" her, so we have to be available 24/7 for her every need, but the 9 people living with her, the 9 mooches that spend all her money... she doesn't require anything from them.
You know... last night I went to bed crying. I don't have a family... NONE. I had one in Argentina, but that one is no more (after I moved my mom and dad divorced), so the family I miss so much, well, to see them I'd have to go back in time. Here I don't have any family because my hubby's family are a bunch trailer trash, ignorant, self-absorbed, know-it-all, hateful people that believe screaming is comunicating and raising children is sitting them in front of a tv, cleanliness is for rich people and part-time is hard labor. I'm absolutely done with them! I'm going to get an ulcer or a heart attack. Every time I try to do something for them, they stab me in the back, hurt me, chew me and spit me out and then they expect me to help again whenever they need me to. I can't even have children, so the chance of me making my "own" family are zero to none also.... so I'm all alone, the only dang place I can vent is on this stupid computer where I'm limited by my fingers on how fast I can type.... I don't have anyone and I'm sick and tired of it. I can't stand anymore! I don't know what to do. Every time I think of someone I can call or go to... well, they are not really that into "listening" and 2, they don't sympathize... like last night. I had to let a little steam with this friend of ours and he kept saying "you can't change things, so why let them bother you". I understand the philosophy behind it, but leave the sermon for when I'm calm, because right there and then I needed to blow, I needed to explode, but I couldn't. So I just cried myself to sleep and wake up 5 hours later to drive my brother in law across town (he is 33) so he can get a social security card. I'm being abused by this family and I wish there was a law that would stop it. To top it all off, my "grandmother" in law will be living with us while she recovers from hip surgery... because she doesn't trust anybody in her own house to care for her (there's 4 adults there, why does she even keep them around if she doesn't "trust" them). Oh, that's not all... she can't live without her baby's (grandaughter) baby (who she is raising)... so I'll be babysitting her and the baby. Well, I don't know what to say... at this point, I don't want to behave against my beliefs, but I have no courage to face them, no strength to take their crap once they explode on me and I wish I wasn't here at all. But wherever I go... I won't have my own family, I won't have my mom and I won't have anybody to trust and who cares about me... Once before I exploded on them, didn't even yell, just said a couple of mean things after they ruined my christmas and grandma took everybody else's side, yelled at me, said I shouldn't have married my hubby, I'm a foreigner anyway, I don't understand the "american way" and that I shouldn't have ever come. Very nice for a person that claims to be christian, that's what I mean by "hypocryte" (again, sorry if it's misspelled). I sneezed once and her grandaughter said "Bless you" to me. Her grandma said "We don't say bless you in our church" as she was sharing a fountain cup of iced tea. What a joke! She lies in her taxes and in every dealing with government agencies and yet while driving her yesterday, while my husband was hurrying to take her across town, doing 5 over the speed limit "You are supposed to follow the laws of the land". Ooooh! I wanted to throw something at her. A lier and a hypocryte, and I'm supposed to cut her some slack, when she hurts and drives away the people that actually care for her. My hubby says "she's senile, cut her some slack"... yet, she's babysitting 3 kids, she has 3 mooches in the house that, though they just started working minimun wage, they spend all their money on themselves and don't help at home at all, whom she defends at all times. Nope, there's no way of dealing with her and I'm done, I'm fed up. I'm only 26... I'm too young to deal with all this crap... I'm sick, I feel like I want to go somewhere and dissapear..... well, fellow computer bloggers, hopefully my negativism and hatred didn't insult you, because I'm not up for hateful comments on my hateful post.... I need sympathy or nothing, like usual.

HAPPY EARTH DAY EVERYBODY!!!

2008-04-22T06:53:00.001-07:00

So I'm trying to write quick, while I have all the lights turned off in my house and no electric device plugged. I know it's not much and it's not good enough, but that'll be my thing to do today for earth day. No tv and no computer, which means I'll read a book and go work out, may be do some yard work. It's incredible how much time it frees when you have no electricity. Anyhow... just wanted to let you all, my fellow bloggers, know I'm for earth day. Have a wonderful day!

Hey there, it's been a while

2008-04-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

Hey there,
So it is about 1 am. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but the neighbours dogs won't stop barking. I'm so annoyed I think I'll bake some cookies and print some "tips" to talk to them tomorrow (well, today). I can't stand those dogs, I have two of my own and they don't bark unless the mailman or someone's at the door, and they stop as soon as I take notice, and I really haven't trained them, I just spend time understanding what they're trying to say (may be I got too much time in my hand, don't know).
Well, awake in the middle of the night I'm thinking of the girl at church who is from Brazil and married a guy that brought her here (just like me), but she doesn't speak much english, looks like she's mad at the world and I'm been dying to tell her how much alike we both are, since she's probably going through the same stuff I went through (and I'm still going through). I've tried sitting next to her and writting her a letter, but I received no answer. It seems she might be afraid to use the little english she knows and everybody assumes she doesn't know any of it. I think she does, she's just too shy and nervous to make mistakes, so she rather not speak. I'm glad the LDS website updated the music site to download hymns in portuguese, spanish and french. It's a good way to learn a language, and, in my case, to may be make her a CD and express my feelings toward her. I really wish I could talk to her, but she seems to have locked herself from the world (which doesn't surprise me, since I've done, at a certain level, the same thing). I'm going to record a CD with my favorite hymns and children songs, but all in portuguese, with a little note telling her how much I understand what she is going through. I believe they've been married a little under a year and I'd understand anything that couple is going through, whether financial, emotional or otherwise, since I'm gone through all that (and I'm still going through it), I can't have children and I can absolutely understand if any of that is happening to her. I wish she would only allow me in.
Well, the LDS website is rather slow tonight, so my efforts to record that CD before I go back to bed are being frustrated. Tomorrow I have a session at the temple to attend that will hopefully strengthen my will to pursue my foolish intentions of uplifting this sister and I have a funeral right after held for a friend of a friend of my husband's. I barely knew the guy, but I had a dream about him a day after I found out he passed away I haven't been able to get out of my head. I read the blog the family set up to inform people about his medical issues and then to inform about the funeral arrangement and the way the dad talks about it just moved me so much I wanted to cry. I'm happy he passed away AFTER becoming active again in the church, with temple recommend and callings in his ward. Sometimes I hope we could all go that way, worthy of higher spheres. I believe he achieved a lot... sometimes I worry that I haven't achieved enough if this was my last day on earth. Sometimes I think about my loved ones and their standing before the Lord and shiver at the thought of them going the way they are. I put such a heavy load on my shoulder thinking their salvation is in my hands and I should be able to convince them about the church and about Christ's atoning sacrifice, but I'm no one to do that. I don't have the power and feel so much like the dust of the earth I wish I could bring some of the love of God unto them. I've seen others with this power or gift, why can't I have it?
SO I console myself thinking "if I do what I can to serve others, the Lord will take care of my own". That's what I thought when I cleaned my hubby's grandparent's house when grandpa was sick or when we threw this birthday party for my sister in law and brother in law last weekend. That's what moves me to do whatever I can, however foolish, however fruitless, while holding on to the hope the Lord will provide "someone" to do the same for my own family and friends that are away from me (and the spiritual distance is worse than the miles between us).
These are my thoughts tonight... and "if I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night!" ;)

A hymn to save me from the dark :D

2008-04-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

So here I was looking for hymns or songs to fit in my activity for next week. I started brainstorming with myself, getting ideas down on paper and after searching the word "hug" I found this hymn, 114 "Come unto Him". I don't recall hearing it before, as far as I know it's not in the spanish hymnbook and it's totally new to me. The lyrics absolutely touched me as I started singing the first verse. What a beautiful hymn!!
For those out there feeling like me, i guess all we can do is pray and "come unto Him", our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
"An answer comes without a voice,
It takes my burden all away
And makes my aching heart rejoice"
I just started crying like a silly loon... I'm alone at my house, with the TV on the background (as to not feel so lonely) and singing on the computer a hymn that broke my heart!!!
I just wanted to make sure I wrote this, since it's the little things like this I need to pay more attention than the big ones one usually expect (wronfully expect, might I say). Just like it says in the 2nd verse:
"I see no miracle of living fire
But what I ask flows into me"... :D
I love 3rd verse... it speak as I would, in first person and then extend a humble invitation from experience:
"It matter not what may befall,
What threatening hands hang over me,
He is my rampart through it all
My refuge from mine enemy."
And clearly states a call to all those out there like me:
"Come unto Him all ye depressed,
Ye erring souls whose eyes are dim,
Ye weary ones who long for rest,
Come unto Him! Come unto Him!!!! (I added the additional exclamation points for "exclamation purposes, hehe).
Love and peace for all of you, fellow bloggers! :D

After a couple of rough day... some good stuff

2008-04-09T11:28:00.001-07:00

Hey, yesterday my mom called. I was so thrilled, because she hadn't call in over a 2 months. I had to go through my husband's grandpa's funeral and the whole deal with his family without talking one bit to my mom. I finally got to get rid of all the stuff I have stuffed down my throat.
This morning I got up early and cleaned the yard, lots of weeds to pull and rake and then water the whole yard. Lots of blister work, but it was entirely worth it. Now I can enjoy my yard without having to stare at those stupid weeds that were already 2-3 feet high.
This weekend is my brother-in-law's and sister-in-law's birthdays. Since we have no money we decided to host a little "potluck" at our house with the whole family invited. I'm already scared for the future drama that they'll bring over, but I'm glad we get to do something for them, yet again. But now it's different, since the funeral, all of them have been weirded out by how fragile life is and they've been mourning a lot. This brother that got assigned as their home teacher got them out of the rut and they've gone to church 3 sundays in a row already (without last, because it was conference). My bro-in-law is getting the family together for family prayer every night at 10pm and he's paying tithing from every little cent of money he's getting. He finally got a job at D.I. too, where they'll help him with job skills and he'll be able to get on his feet. We're so proud of him for all the good decisions he's making, since he met this home teacher that's getting him excited about life again. We're happy and we want to encourage that with this little party :D
Anyhow, I'll keep blogging as long as I can... thanks to all for reading my stuff. :D

General Conference was amazing!!!

2008-04-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

For those that read my words and have not a clue what I'm talking about, you can check it out on this link: http://www.lds.org/conference/apr2008/archive/0,21321,8053-1,00.html
Well, it was absolutely amazing. I loved listening to all the talks. Also I got to talk to my friend from Peru in between sessions yesterday and was really nice. It is good to be able to talk to people about the gospel and not be judged. I appreciate your sweet thoughts about fellowship. I really do.
I totally thought President Monson talk in the sunday morning session was directed to me, when he talked about being happy and if you are not, then seek to get closer to Heavenly Father. Also, yesterday, I don't remember who said it, but they talked about Satan wanting us to believe Heavenly Father doesn't love us, and if that's how we feel, we're being manipulated into believing that. We need to cling to our Savior and partake of His love throught his Atonement. I took notes, which seemed to impressed my husband (he got me in the mode of not doing it), and really listenes to find answers for my own life.
At the end, when the new President of the Church gave little admonitions to husbands and wives, I could feel the Spirit fill my soul and thought I already knew (in my brain), now I'm absolutely certain that that man is a Prophet of God. My heart felt it and as he spoke, with conviction and softness at the same time, my heart was pounding with certainty. I'm very thankful for having a Prophet and for the Church, though I may not be popular and might stand alone among my brethren, I know the LDS church is true and I'm thankful for my membership in it. Hopefully I'll find like-minded individuals along the way, to make them feel a "little less alone".
Hope ya'll, fellow bloggers, have a wonderful sunday! :D

I talked to a friend and loved it....

2008-04-04T14:44:00.001-07:00

Hey there,
Earlier today I found one of my friends from Chile online and got the chance to talk to her. It turns out she's working in New York and she might be able to visit me when she gets her vacation in her job.
I was so excited to talk to her. We were able to talk about culture shock and adaptation to the "american ways". I was happy to know I'm not the only one that feels isolated from the world when we come here and find the waste of resources and people looking down on us thinking we're all a bunch of mexicans that crossed the border illegally. She is a little sad because she lives with people that are not members of the church and she's feeling the loneliness out of being 26 and single.
I gave her my humble advice and tried to comfort her. I also told her she could come and stay with me whenever she needs to, whether we're living in the house, apartments or a whole in the ground. I told her I've invited my family, but none of them want to come, and I need someone like-minded around me... can't stand judgemental people that don't want to talk about important stuff, but the petty stuff, like the weather or how much you make a year, the size of your house, etc. It reminds me of "The Little Prince" (Le Petit Prince), when he talks about the snake eating an elephant and people thinking it was a hat, so he knew not to talk about the sky and flying but to talk about numbers and money and golf. The world is turning into dust and we're absolutely letting it.... how sad!
Anyhow... hope everybody out there reading my blog is ok.
Have a wonderful day!

Friday already :D

2008-04-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Hey there, ya'll
So, everything went well yesterday. I went with this sister friend from my ward to the doctor and everything went just fine. We spent some quality time, got to talk a lot and got to help out a bit. I got home so late (because afterwards we went out to eat and her husband took the longest route home, through the STRIP), I didn't get to make dinner for my hubby, but otherwise we made it together when he got home.
Today I found out we're getting rid of the car, we're giving it back to the bank as a voluntary repo so we can start saving that money for when we have to move out of the house. So I'm sad because without that car that means I need to start taking my hubby to work and it also means no way to find a job on my own. Somehow he feels he needs to make it toward I don't have to work and can stay home. I love to be a homemaker, but it makes me feel guilty and insecure to be home all the time when I don't have any kids and we're in so many financial problems. He wants to do away with our debt and away with our problems so we can start over and with me being home we can apply to adopt, so we can actually have a family. Last time we decided to have a house because we believed we needed a house to have kids, but I guess that didn't work out and now it feels like we chose having a house over having kids. This makes me really sad, but working this things out, starting over, me taking over the budget (since my hubby has bad spending habits) and just feeling we're starting clean again gives me some hope for the future, so we can actually start a family.
Anyhow, hope this wasn't another pity party, it just really hit me that they'll come tomorrow to repo my car and little by little all the things I own. I know it's for the best, it's not good to be materialistic and it'll help me detach myself from material things for good.
All of you fellow bloggers, have a nice day!

Today is wednesday and I'm feeling a lot better :D

2008-04-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hey there, you bunch of fellow bloggers.
I woke up this morning with a very good attitude, and though I am very tired, I believe my mind is in the right place today :D
I woke up, made my husband some good wholesome breakfast and stayed up for a change. See, when I'm depressed I just sleep in, or go back to sleep and not do anything since I never feel like it. Today, well, yesterday also... I stayed up and try to keep myself occupied.
I have a new calling in my ward, for those fellow LDS bunch out there to understand. I finally got released from years of solitude as a ward organist. You would think music would unite people, but I've had this calling since I was 13 (back when I first learn to play the piano) and throughout the different wards in the different areas I've lived, always the same. I never minded playing music, I love to share music, since I believe it inspirational (sometimes a little too much), but I never had only that calling. Back at home, in Argentina, I had to play the piano for Sacrament meeting, teach youth or adult sunday school and teach either a primary class or relief society, all of this because there wasn't that many people in my small branch. I was used to the rush of having different calling and even substituting for people as they get inactive and nobody can cover their callings. But here in the US there's so many people in my ward, I get only one calling and, sitting up front with nobody around (not even my husband's poo-poo-head family, because they like to sit in the back) but my husband.
I've always liked human interaction and up there I didn't get much of it. It was part of my problem, it was adding to my social ineptitude. But hopefully those days are over. I've been called to be Primary Activity Leader.... this is my chance at making friends with 8-11 year old girls, and they don't have a choice, hehehehehe. :D Well, I'm happy with this, I feel I have more in common with kids and with older adults than with people my age, so it'll be easy. Yesterday I had my first chance at having an activity, but I wasn't able to do everything I had planned because the previous leader and her assistant kind of distracted the girls and messed up my timing, but otherwise, everything went really well. I'm very happy with this calling, and I'm sure it'll end my frustration about my loneliness.
On the other hand, I'm excited because I decided to offer my help to people no matter what and I'm finally getting results. That was part of my depression, people not wanting my help as if I'm completely uncapable of providing anything worthwhile. Well, the new Primary President feels overwhelmed with her new calling and I decided to help her with organizing the closets and see if I can babysit her kids for her to go to her meetings (now that she'll have a bunch of those to go to). To my amazement, she accepted. So I'm really happy about it. Also, there's this sister in the Ward I really get along with and she's having an endoscopy tomorrow. (For those who don't know, there's been a big issue with endoscopies here in Las Vegas, NV, because some clinics were reusing needles and tubes and some of the patients ended up testing positive for hep C, B and HIV). She's really scared now and she asked me to go with her to make sure they do things properly. I'm happy to lend a hand, she's awesome and does so much, between having a full time work at UNLV and teaching Seminary to the kids, keeping up the ward website... she's really a role model for me. I was a midwife and understand procedures and I'm going to make sure everything is up to par. :D
Well, I'll have to agree, Mr. Patch Adams said one time and made a lot of psychologist angry, "depression is self-caused and it can be vanished or prevented by serving others" (paraphrased, don't know the exact words). I've been trying to lend a hand to keep my sadness at bay and it's been hard up until now. I hope I can keep it up... if not, you'll be the first ones to find out here in this blog :D
May all of you have a wonderful day! :D

Not feeling so bad... unusual.

2008-04-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

So, me and my hubby are going to end up applying for bankruptcy.... and very unusually, I'm not feeling so bad. We're going to loose the house, one of the cars and probably everything of value that we own.
I guess we'll just move somewhere, and start over. I'm very appreciative of Rod & LaDawn's comment to my blog.
SUCCESS!!!! My blog was read by at least 1 person :D Thanks.
I guess we're all in the same boat, with the recession and foreclosures and lack of job opportunities.... I think sometimes I'm too self-absorbed to see that. I tend to wallow too much in my own problems and when I don't have the chance to talk it over with friends, I end up getting the feeling I'm the only one out there feeling this way, going through all this.
Lately it's getting harder to write a blog (I knew this would happen), because it's harder just to "talk" about things instead of writting to "someone". Sometimes I just don't know what to talk about, I don't know what would be interesting and what not. I guess I'll just go with the flow and write whatever I feel at the time.
Again, I appreciate comments. Thanks for reading my blog :D

2nd day... feeling crappy as usually

2008-03-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

Hello there,
Here I am sitting in the couch in front of the tv. Woke up around 6am to make breakfast for my husband and now it's 9am and I haven't done anything productive.
I lack the motivation to do anything. I could fix up the yard, but the fear of loosing the house (with all the foreclosures and my crappy loan) just takes all my motivation away. I love the size of my backyard, but I really can't push myself to do anything. I have to file papers and I don't know where to start, I look at the mess and can't seem to bring myself to get started.
I also have an earache and I feel really tired, and that doesn't help me at all.
See... it looks like a pity party right now. Sorry. I try to reach out for people that feel lonely like me, because I'd love to help them out to help myself out of this depressive mood. But nobody in this city seems to want to open up. May be it is because this city is so transient... who knows? I just feel lonely, no friends no family, nobody to talk to and my sweet husband's at work all day. Even when I try to get a job, I can't because all I can do is housekeeping and those job pay zero to nothing, with no taxes taken out, so if you want to be honest, out of the 7-8 dollars, I'll have to pay taxes the next year. Life isn't very fair right now.
Also, my hubby's family don't make me a part of it. I've done as much service as I could, even when I couldn't stand them. I tried to help them out, I tried to put myself out there... I'm still considered the foreigner that shouldn't even be in the this country.
I feel so crappy all the time... I don't know who or what is going to save me. Guess I'll stop writting since all of it seems like I babble on and on.

First day blogging!

2008-03-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

I guess it is like writting in a diary or a journal, but with the intention of people actually reading it. I have never been good writting in my journal so I guess I'll have to give this a try. It might be easier since I type faster than I hand-write.
I decided I need to write my thoughts somehow. Not that they're worth reading, but because they haunt me and sometimes don't let me sleep. I need to throw my own pity parties and they might more interesting if they are written, right? Or write down my accomplishment, so that I can imagine all of you yet unknown cyber friends celebrating with me.
Who knows? I might just not write here ever again... it'll all depend on how I feel on a day to day basis. You might think I'm crazy. I guess you'll have to read through this to find out :D
Thanks for reading me, as this is my attempt at sharing myself with the world (writting comes easier to me than talking to people, I'm socially inept and awkward).